Chapter One
Make's your head feel like it's in a bubble, doesn't it? This was what my brother Joshua had asked me the first time he'd snuck me a drink, his grin splitting wide as he watched me wince it down.
This thought often happened upon me, sometimes after one too many glasses of wine, in the kitchen at a too loud party, or even just passing by a bar at peak hour, raucous laughter leaking from within.
It came to me now, as I hesitated with my hand on the doorknob of my childhood home. Inside, I could hear music and bubbling conversation, an occasional shriek of delight, surely egged on by the champagne.
It was New Year's Eve, which meant dinner party at my father's house—an excruciating ordeal for the past seven years, but tradition nonetheless. With a deep breath, I pushed the door open, the warm air swallowing me up in one big gulp.
My eyes skipped over the large family photo hanging in the foyer and, forcing down the funny feeling working its way up my throat, I settled my gaze on my father instead. Joohyun Park—Formula 1 racing legend, Morini team principal, businessman, art collector, absolute prick holding two glasses of warm champagne. The list went on.
The champagne was as warm as it looked as I took it from him, leaning in to kiss his cheek. "Happy New Year, appa," I said then, forcing a half-smile. "How long have you been waiting here for me?"
"Just about as long as you've been standing on the other side of the door." He nudged his chin toward the dining room. "Go get some food. And say hello to the guests. They've been waiting for you to get here."
This was simply code for I'm going to go talk cars for the next hour, so make yourself busy. Nothing foreign. No one cared if I was here or there; I hardly knew his house guests anymore. They were strangers, just like this place, and the man who owned it, all familiarity lost to time.
I helped myself to a couple of grapes from the overflowing table spread, before floating my way to the kitchen, where I swiped a bottle of Moët and made a run for the back patio.
The fireplace blazed, but the lights were off. They flicked on as I strode toward the warmth, and only then did I see the figure sitting on the edge of the table, turning toward me as everything became illuminated all at once. I couldn't keep the surprise off my face. "Charlie?"
Charlie Yang, racing talent of the past half-decade, stood swiftly at this, straightening the loosened tie around his neck as he went. "June. I—Happy New Year."
Suddenly, I was seven years younger, blanched under the hospital fluorescents, staring after him as he shrunk down the length of the hallway, head down, racing suit hanging from his waist. I'd shouted after him—just his name, just once. But he'd never turned around. Never looked back one last time.
That had been our goodbye.
And yet now he was here. Inexplicably. A man now, evident in the tired way his mouth turned down. The firmness in his shoulders. But still so the same. Soulful brown eyes. Tall and reliable. Faint scar on his upper lip. If he smiled, I knew exactly where his crooked dimples would carve into his cheeks. Knew the way my heart would dip if he did.
"I'm sorry," I managed then, finally finding words. "I don't—what are you doing here?"
"Oh." He shifted awkwardly, uncertain. "I'm not really good at these types of things. Needed to breathe."
"No," I said slowly. "I meant why are you at my house?"
Looking away, he shook his head, as if unable to produce a reply. Then, after a beat, he gestured toward the fire. "You should sit. It's cold out."
Still not an answer. But he was right. So I perched myself on the edge of the table where he had sat only moments before, and popped the bottle of champagne, tossing the cork over my shoulder before taking a long swig. When I passed him the bottle wordlessly, he took a seat beside me, close enough for me to feel his warmth, but far enough away that we weren't touching. "Your dad invited me," he said then, eyes on the flames. "I thought he would've told you."
To this, I let out a dry laugh. "My dad doesn't tell me much of anything these days. Except for appearances I'm required to make. And what time I'm meant to make them. This being one of them, by the way."
"Right. So still not on good terms, I see."
"Not that it's any of your business, but no. Haven't been on good terms since the team principal contract he took with Morini. Which would make that about..." I pretended to count, if only to relish in the pained look on Charlie's face. "Well, let's see, seven and a half years since the crash. So...seven years and five months since he and I have had a real conversation."
Charlie frowned. "June..."
"You weren't at the funeral. I looked for you."
His eyes seemed to brighten in the firelight. Cheeks flushed with boyish shame. He couldn't look at me as he said, "I didn't want to intrude. It felt selfish to show up."
"Selfish how?"
"Selfish because I caused it. I didn't deserve any closure the funeral would have brought."
I hazarded a lingering glance. His Adam's apple bobbed with his gulp. Still not looking at me. Still drowning in the flicker of the fire before us. "I didn't blame you," I told him then. Quiet. As if I almost believed what I was saying.
Now he met my gaze. Something fierce beneath the sadness. "I blamed me, June. I did."
"Is that why you're here tonight?"
The moment closed. He pulled back, breaking eye contact to swig champagne from the bottle. "Sort of." A half-answer. Finally, a language I could understand.
"If he's guilting you into being here, you shouldn't play into it. Dad, I mean. You know how he is. Spent his whole life forcing Joshua into a box until it blew up in everyone's faces. He'll do it to anyone. So just, you know, keep him at a distance."
"Like you do?"
"Oh, me?" I let out a humorless laugh. "Dad's the one who prefers to keep me at arm's length. It's different with us. I was never going to be his little racing prodigy, so I'm not worth the time. That's never changed."
I was talking too much. Blame the tequila shooters I'd knocked back in the rideshare. That and maybe the nerves. After all, it wasn't often (ever) that I happened upon an estranged friend/international heartthrob/epicenter of tragedy.
"He's not guilting me," Charlie said eventually, voice low. "I came on my own accord. It's—I think he just has high hopes for the new year. And I have years of regret to make up for. So here we are."
"You say that like I'm supposed to get it." I looked at the moon—a silver fingernail in the sky—heaving out a sigh. Inside, I heard the guests beginning the countdown from ten. Someone turned up the music, and the melancholy notes of "Auld Lang Syne" leaked from the house. "Should we kiss?" I asked into the silence.
My words fell flat. Charlie's humorless brown eyes seemed to bore into me, the corners of his mouth slanting into an ever-deeper frown. "I should go in," he told me then, standing. It felt important to tell him that I'd obviously been joking, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. Not even as he paused, evidently waiting.
"Happy New Year," I mustered finally, forcing a grin. "It was good to see you. Even if you never really told me why."
He still didn't. Just offered a faint smile. Said, "Happy New Year," before turning, and making his way back across the patio towards the double doors.
"Get home safe," I blurted when he reached them, unable to help myself. "Don't drive home drunk or anything."
Charlie hesitated, fingers on the handle. His back to me, I could have sworn his shoulders slumped. Without looking, he said quietly, "Goodnight, June." Then, slipping inside, he took a left down the dark hallway and was swallowed up by the shadows.
For a moment, I wondered if maybe I should've told him something else. Anything. Just to keep him here a little while longer. To puncture the hurt that seven years of absence couldn't heal. But that was just the alcohol talking, optimistic and high off nostalgia. No matter what I said, it wouldn't change a thing—the irrevocable distance between us remained the same. Maybe my father had hopes for the new year. But these were the facts.
I knew that better than anyone.
a/n: please don't forget to vote and/or comment if you enjoyed ! i appreciate all of u for reading <3 happy weekend xo
