unrequited

15

I was still most definitely drunk, but I wasn't stupid. I got water from the nearest sink and with shaky hands I beeped Changmin from my pager.

I waited a few minutes before I called the home phone at my house. Every time it rang my hopes died down. What if I was making a mistake? What if Sunwoo was my best option and everything is just going to get worse?

The line crackled as it connected and as soon as I heard Changmin's voice, I could breathe again. "Doah?" He asked, he sounded worried.

"Thank god." I whispered. Thank god it's not my brother. Thank god it's you.

"Are you okay?" He asked. "...are you drunk?"

"Is it obvious?" I asked. I closed my eyes because I felt very tired. Physically, and emotionally.

"Doesn't matter, are you still at the beach?"

"Mhm," I hummed. I wished we could stay on the phone forever. It was easy to talk to him like this.

"Okay I'm coming to get you. Is Sunwoo there?" He asked.

"He left a minute ago," I answered. "Does the moon look weird to you?" I asked, looking out the window.

"I don't know, I'm inside I can't see it." He said. "Where's Sunwoo? That bitch, I knew we couldn't trust him."

'We.'

"It's not his fault," I said. "I just wasn't ready."

"....Wasn't ready for what?" Changmin asked. His voice turned to ice. "Doah. Wasn't ready for what?"

"Oh god, I'm gonna be a virgin forever." I groaned. My head spun just thinking about it.

"It's--what?? Did he do something to you? Did he touch you or pressure you or anything?"

"No," I said forcefully. "I said I was ready and then.... I started thinking about.... I mean I just wasn't."

"And he stopped? Right after you said so did he stop?" Changmin asked, he sounded restless.

"He stopped before I even said anything," I replied, leaning my head against the wall thinking how much I regretted coming to this party. "Because I cried." Oh boy, alcohol sure made me an open book.

"CRIED??" Changmin screeched. "He made you cry?! Oh he is going to get it."

"Actually it was you," I said, still living in my hallucination world where there were no consequences of blabbing my most personal secrets to people.

".... it was me?" His voice went quiet. It sounded broken.

I gasped. "You didn't hear that."

The line was silent for a while and then he spoke, "I'm going to hang up so I can get in the car and pick you up okay? Get some water and try not to leave the door unlocked in case you feel sick. Okay? Doah? Did you get that?"

"I got it," I answered.

"Good. I'll be there soon," He said, and he hung up.

As soon as I put the phone and the line recoiled to its original length, I slid down the wall of the bedroom. My head was beginning to hurt and I swore I could hear my heart beating in my chest.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing here--pretending to be someone I'm not. As if hanging out with different people would change the fact that the only person I've ever wanted to see me is just out of reach.

I was alone so I began to cry again. I sat in the dark corner hugging my knees and for the first time in a while I let go of my guard and I let myself sink into the sadness.