All For When (An II Fanfiction)

Bulletproof.

//TW//
Smoking and Body Dysmorphia

          Dear Diary,

          Anxiety is a strange thing. There are times that I feel so unmovable, so...powerful? Powerful might be too strong of a word, but still, there are other times when I can feel my body being pierced with the effects of anxiety with no outlet to help. It's worse when I ask for help--or, asked for help. I've since stopped doing that. One time I talked to Salt Shaker about it, a couple years back actually. I talked about how I was generally and often anxious, not to mention the compulsions. And the eyes...the eyes, I hated how they watched me. The panic attacks, the breakdowns, it was unbearable.

          What did she say? Something along the lines of, "Omg! I have OCD too! I can't stand when things are uneven!"

          There is so much under the surface, and people who spew nonsense (like her) should at least do their research if they're going to lie. Bomb--Bomb gets it. Bomb has anxiety--generalized anxiety, he says. He tells me I probably have it too. That and social anxiety. I've already been diagnosed with OCD, but I feel like that's...besides the point. The point is--anxiety. That crushing feeling, everyone knows that! Stress is something unavoidable in this life, but when it becomes something that takes over your life, it becomes a problem. 

          Pickle and Taco recently began attending this weekly thing OJ, Bomb, and I started. Every week is the same deal, we all go to the park on main street, screw around for 2 and a half hours, walk around in the woods for another hour, and spend the last thirty minutes at this small diner. We alternate weeks for who pays for the food at the diner. The only plus to them joining us is the fact that I have more time to make money to pay. That...also means I have to pay more, though. It's fine. That just means more free food for me. 

          The anxiety has since increased after they joined. It's become a day of the week I dread. I dread it a lot, and I'd much rather spend my time at home (which is saying a lot, considering my circumstances.) Something about those two, constantly mocking me. Not on purpose (I'd hope) but the subtle comments about my teeth or my weight that drive me insane. It really does hurt. They do the same thing's to each other, but after these comments began, the anxiety I've felt in public increased dramatically. I make the same comments, I joke back, sometimes I even get into arguments for taking it too far, but what do they expect? They treat me the same way I treat them (even if I'm more blunt about it...)

          Never mind that. The fact is, how can our bodies betray us like this? Give us these overwhelming emotions that can literally destroy our lives, and why? Because my teeth are further apart than they're meant to be? Okay, sorry I can't afford braces, body! No need to destroy my entire self confidence because of it. 

        The names they call me are sometimes more obvious than not. The Chalky comments are meant to mention my teeth (I don't follow the band religiously, but I know the three well enough to know of the one's tooth gap.) Some are more straightforward, "Fatcakes" and "Hungry hungry hippo." 

          ...Okay, I'll admit that Hungry hungry hippo was funny the first couple of times. But have you ever made a joke, and the joke got repeated so often that it just...wasn't funny anymore? That's exactly how that's going. And it's not my fault! I don't have enough food at home, so any moment I have free access to food, I can't help but stuff my face--and I feel disgusting! It's not like I'm constantly eating, but when I do eat, I overeat. I feel...awful, constantly, all the time. It's not fair--especially when Taco and Pickle are some of the prettiest people I know (which pisses me off, because aren't mean people supposed to be ugly? Aren't they supposed to get karma because of their vicious ways?)