The Law of God

TLOG 2

"Mahal?" was the only word I could hear before I totally lost consciousness. I knew that I was lying down on our bed and badly thinking about the possibility of him getting tired of me and might leave me. Until my head hurts and I feel the heaviness all over my body. 

Back in the hospital again. At ayokong ayoko na sa lugar na ito. Sawang sawa na  ako pumunta dito at mas naalala ko lang ang mga nangyari. Bumukas ang pinto ng room ko at bumungad siya na ang tanging dala niya lamang ay yung wallet at phone niya. Lumapit siya agad sa akin at humalik sa noo ko. 

"How are you, love?" I miss hearing his serene voice. He always does this if I want to get baby by him. Ito yung nakasanayan ko sa kaniya sa pitong taon naming kasal na. Sinanay niya ako sa malalambing niyang pakikipag usap sa akin at pag yakap kapag sinusumpong ako. 

I stared at the ceiling, "I want to go home!" I replied. Ito ang di ko malaman sa sarili ko bakit sa tuwing sinusubukan niya mag lambing sa akin ay siyang pag iwas at pag maldita ko sa kaniya. At alam kong nasasaktan ko na rin siya.

He's busy fixing our stuff, and I cannot tell if we are going to go home, or he will. I watch him as he becomes the perfect husband to a failure wife. Bigla na lang sumakit ang ulo ko ulit at ininda ko ito kaya agad siyang napalingon sa akin at kinamusta ako. 

Pilit ko inaalis ang kamay niya sa ulo ko. Dumating ang doctor na kaibigan niya upang tignan ako at napansin ko bago siya lumabas ay may luha na pumatak galing sa mata niya. Kahit nung sinara na nito ang pinto ay hindi niya na ako sinulyapan pa marahil ayaw niya na rin ipakita na nasasaktan siya. 

"Mrs. Jung, stop thinking too much as it triggers your anxiety. You were unconscious for 2 days already." He reported, his eyes switches into one another person and this time as a friend of ours. "My friend is having a hard time and he doesn't know what to do to help you out. You're too anxious of giving him a child." He added, and that hits me so hard. 

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Tumagilid ako para hindi ko na siya makita pa at mukhang napansin niya ang pag iwas ko. "Relax and you'll get the specialty made by your love. Get easy, Soo!" He advises. I was quietly crying out alone in the room. I've had the time to release all my emotions. 

He's right if I relax, I would be able to conceive. Yet I cannot do it. And how would we conceive if we're not even sleeping in one bed anymore. Somehow, he always tries to be having a coitus with me, but I refused to do so. Not because I don't love him anymore but it's more on, I always expect that it's going to be a successful one. And I am too tired of expecting and feel disappointed in a few days or worse few hours. 

In Na pay a visit to me with a basket of fruits. As if I stayed here a little longer now, well sabi nga nung friend naming doctor ay 2 days na akong walang malay. Totoo pala yung mga ganun.

Pinatong niya yung basket sa table sa gilid niya bago lumapit sa akin. "How are you, Soo?" She checking up on me. Iniupo niya ang kalahating pisngi ng butt niya sa kama ko.

"Feel better now!" I lied. Hindi pa rin ako okay emotionally. Lalo na at hindi ko alam kung paano tulungan ang sarili ko. Madaling sabihin na kalimutan at magkaroon ako ng routine ulit but once you are about to do it bigla na lang nagugulo ang mundo mo ulit. Binabalikan ka ng nakaraan mo.