My Sleepless Nights

29. Feeling empty

Can I still write?
I wonder as I got no time
Keeping myself busy might be helpful
But my thoughts wander around in other universe.

Keep telling myself it's over
But there's just something about you
New city, New friends, Same old me
Still trying to communicate because it's necessary

(Note: So I was debating on whether I should post this or not but basically What you are about to read is me venting out and I was not able to put it into any sort of poetic prose so if you want to read it go ahead if not skip to next chapter.)

So from the past few days I've started noticing something about me. I'm eating a lot less than I usually do and I even threw up last week after eating just a little bit. Maybe it's because of the change in environment as I moved to a new place. Lately I've lost all the motivation to do anything and most specifically studying. All I want to do is lay on my bed and scroll mindlessly through my phone because I don't know what else to do. I miss my family and friends like crazy and even though I talk to my family daily, it still feels empty inside. I feel like my old friendships are falling apart and all I can do is just watch them fade. Even after putting in effort to text them everyday, the effort is not coming from that side. Maybe I'm pushing too hard or maybe not hard enough. Everything has changed Maybe for the better or for the worse. On the plus side I've met some new people and they seem friendly but I feel like I'm holding myself back from making new friends because I'm still scared of losing my old friends. I go to classes everyday and try to concentrate but somehow I always zone out. After classes I come back home and stay in my room for the entire time when my family thinks I'm studying but in reality I'm just mindlessly scrolling through Pinterest or Tumblr because I don't want to be all alone with my thoughts. I'm afraid to even think about things because it gives out a weird empty feeling that I cannot describe. I am tired 24/7 and can sleep at any moment of time because it provides a reason to not be alone with my thoughts. I have always been an overthinker but lately it has gotten to a level where I can't even distinguish between dreams and reality. In my mind, I feel like everyone hates me and they are just tolerating me and anytime soon I will end up doing something that will make them want to leave me forever. The undying pressure of getting a good score in exams is so beyond my control that I literally come to tears when I think of all the people who have their hopes up for me. And literally nobody understands this shitty feeling and I cannot express this to anyone because they would just think of me as losing my shit over nothing. But it's not nothing, there is something very wrong and I can sense it. I don't know if it's anxiety or depression or whatever. But I wish I never existed because then everything would have been much better.