Dream // Van McCann

18. Who Do You Think You Are?

"Florence...is that you?" she asked in a gritty voice. It seemed like every word required significant effort to say that I'd rather she not talk for her own sake. "And who's that?" Her tone had a slight disapproval to it which suddenly made me feel inadequate. She was already judging me.

"Yes, it's me. And that's my boyfriend Van," Florence answered. Her eyes flicked to mine in a panic and quickly went back to her mum. "How are you doing? Are you in pain?"

"I have some discomfort but the doctors gave me meds for that. How long have you two been dating?"

"A little over one month. We've known each other longer than that, though." You could see she added that last part to make things sound better when her mum frowned at one month.

"How did you both meet?" Florence was already visibly nervous so I took it upon myself to take as much weight off her shoulders as possible. I said I'd help her, after all.

"We work in the same building but at different companies. I was doing a study for work and she enrolled in it," I said, trying to make it sound as nice as possible.

"Where are you from?" her mum asked sharply. Despite several people telling me I've lost some of my accent, it was a relief to hear it wasn't gone altogether.

"I'm from the UK."

"Are you even an American citizen?" Her question caught me completely off guard as I wasn't expecting this kind of discrimination from her so soon.

As someone who's not an American citizen coming to the US for work, I realize there are people unhappy with us taking their jobs, and understandably so. However, what they don't understand is how there are better opportunities here. I could work in the UK but chose to work in America to chase my dream job.

I've been a permanent resident for more than five years now and could apply for naturalization but I've been holding off for many reasons. First of all, I was still undecided about where I wanted to work and live. I left my family and friends behind in the UK and have no family out here in the US, making me the only one to live in America. However, my job keeps me here. It is by far the most interesting work I've ever done and I know I'll never find anything like it in the UK.

The distance has made me grow fonder of home which I never really appreciated until I left. One of Terry Pratchett's quotes have always stuck with me.

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."

There are many things about home that I miss and know that I'll never get living in the States. Whenever I come home, I appreciate what I had even more. And my conversations with family are more meaningful. Everything means more when you're home for a brief time. And I've since matured as a person and everyone could tell.

I remember being scared and homesick, worried that I wouldn't like it in America. I was worried I wouldn't have any friends and that I'd be all alone. I've since learned that I made it worse in my head than it really was. I've managed to survive for 8 years. When I first moved, I didn't think I'd last a year and look where I am now.

I've only known her mum for a few minutes now and she's managed to trigger one of my deepest insecurities. It's like she knew. She probes you, finding a way in, and once she manages to do that, she'll pick you apart until it breaks you. This is what she did to Florence. Although Florence pretends to not care, she really does.

"Mom, you can't say that!" Hannah scolded. I was relieved that Hannah didn't hesitate when talking back to her mum. Florence just looked on in shock. She wasn't expecting me to be the target.

"What if he's only with you to get citizenship?" her mum continued.

"I'm so sorry," Hannah apologized on her behalf. "Our mom is a bit narrow minded. Please excuse her." I finally recovered from the initial shock and found the courage to talk back.

"You're right. I'm not a US citizen but I've been here 8 years and could apply to be one if I wanted to. I don't need to rely on anyone to do that," I replied, keeping my tone even, even though I was upset at her for thinking I was taking advantage of her daughter. "You just can't fathom why anyone would love your daughter, do you? I must be using her to become a citizen, or you think I've got some other ulterior motive, don't you? Why is it so hard to accept that I love your daughter for who she is? How about that?

"You've got the preconceived idea that she'll never amount to anything just because she doesn't listen to you. I'll have you know that she has a steady job, a very important one, mind you. And the most important thing is that she's doing just fine without your help. As a parent, you're supposed to give her unconditional love. Instead, you raised her in a hostile environment. Instead of criticizing her, you should really look at yourself in the mirror. Who's the one really at fault here?"

I felt someone grabbing my arm and I looked down to see that it was Florence. Her grip and the look that she gave me told me to stop and I was instantly embarrassed. I got carried away and might've ruined things permanently.

"Who do you think you are?" her mum fought back. "Don't you ever tell me how I should raise my child. It's none of your goddamn business. If I were you, I'd get out of here before I call security on you."

"Mom—" Hannah pleaded, trying to calm her down.

"We'll be going now," Florence stated, making sure she had everything before dragging me with her. It was Florence that I feared more than her mum and I couldn't tell if I upset her. She just seemed keen on getting out.

I followed Florence out the door, though she was practically pulling me. Hannah and her dad thanked us for visiting. It wasn't until we were out of the hospital that Florence let go of my arm and turned around to face me. Now that I can see her face, it was clear that she was upset at me.

"I know you were just trying to help but why did you do that?" she blurted. She was on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry. I got carried away," I apologized.

"I really appreciate you defending me but now I don't know if I can go back. I haven't even fixed things with her!"

"I'm so sorry, Florence. This is all my fault. Let me go back and apologize to your mother." I was desperate to make things right again and I felt terrible, not realizing the consequences of my actions. Sometimes I get so angry and say what's on my mind without thinking.

"No," she said, stopping me. "She's going to call security on you. Just...let me talk to my sister. Maybe we can work something out." After some time, she began to smile which confused me.

"I can't believe you talked back to her like that," she finally said. "The look on her face was priceless." I didn't know if I should laugh. I'm already in enough trouble as it is. "Did you really mean what you said?"

"What did I say?" I was walking on eggshells now and wanted to play it safe.

"That you love me for who I am?" she answered. I was relieved to hear that that was what she was hung up on.

"Of course I meant it," I replied.

"No one has ever told me that before."

All her life, she's been criticized for who she is. Those simple words meant a lot to her. I didn't respond. All I did was pull her in for a hug.