Tales From A Teenage Henchman

The Many Regrets of Tim Mitchell

# # #

Tim could have cried as he watched Alejandro and Lina drive away, while he stood on the cold streets in his superhero costume. If he listened closely, he swore he could hear Lina's faint cackling. Not for the first time—and probably not the last—Tim wondered if Lina might not have made a better villain than Penny.

Still, Tim had little choice than to keep playing the part of the hero in the hopes that Sparrow would show up. Apparently, part of Lina's brilliant plan involved Tim bonding with the hero. How Tim would manage that he had no clue. Unfortunately for him, that hadn't stopped Lina from dropping him off in the middle of the area Sparrow normally patrolled.

Maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe I won't even run into her, Tim told himself, his own inner voice trying to sound cheerful. Tim should have known better.

It took approximately an hour for Tim to run into Sparrow, even with him doing his best to avoid her. Much like the first time he met her, Tim nearly screamed. He seriously wished she wouldn't be so damn stealthy because she'd end up giving Tim a heart attack at that rate.

"Oh hey," was all Sparrow had to say to get Tim's heart to make an attempt at leaving his scrawny body. "Didn't think I'd see you around here."

"Haha, yeah, I kinda just help out where I can," Tim said, trying to play it cool while he held a hand to his chest like a scandalized old lady. At least Sparrow had the decency to not mention that.

"Right," Sparrow said, sounding very uncertain. The way she was looking at Tim made it clear she thought he was a weirdo. Again. Tim was already resigned to people having that opinion of him. "Well, if you ever need anything, I'm usually around. Maybe we can patrol together or something," she offered, because clearly, she was a better person than Tim would ever be.

Sparrow left after that, and Tim was both glad to see her go and regretful that he hadn't tried harder to bond or whatever the fuck else Lina had wanted him to do. He figured he could try again next time. Maybe he'd even take her up on her offer to patrol together because that sounded like something that would definitely help him survive.

Your confidence is admirable, Tim thought to himself. Apparently even he didn't believe in himself. Maybe Tim wasn't as stupid as he'd always thought.

He still was starting to regret agreeing to the stupid plan.

# # #

Surprisingly, it only took about a week for them to get an invitation to the Annual Villain Jamboree. Penny was over the fucking moon when the invitation arrived. She actually pinned the thing to the bulletin board. Honestly, for a moment, Tim was afraid he'd lose his prized Employee of the Month spot to a flimsy piece of paper.

Luckily for him, that didn't happen, and so he still reigned supreme over the others. Something he only bragged about once in a while because he really was a humble person at heart. Tim ignored the small part of his mind that laughed at that.

"Okay everyone, we might be invited to the jamboree, but the competition isn't gonna be easy. We're going to have to do our best if we want to win," Penny was saying in what was clearly meant to be a motivational speech. All of the henchmen were gathered in the lounge while Penny did all that she could to hype them up. Tim held back a yawn and was pretty sure he could hear someone snoring.

It was probably Susan. Goddamnit Susan.

"I'm not going to lie, it'll be tough to beat the others," Tim almost laughed at that because of-fucking-course it would be tough. "But I really think we have a good chance to win the whole thing and prove to my moth—uh, I mean, to prove to all of the other villains and their henchmen that we're just as good as them!"