To Have Loved [BxB] Book I ✓

Chapter 48

"Who's at the door?" Luke's voice called down the stairs as he came over dressed in one of Henry's t-shirts and a pair of black joggers. "Kayden?"

"Hey," Kayden said, offering up a half-wave. "Oh shit, sorry, did I interrupt you guys?"

"Nah, we were just about to have tea. You want any?" Henry asked.

"Are you sure?" Kayden asked, looking at Luke.

"Yeah, I don't care. We were just hanging out anyway," Luke said with a smile. "It's been forever since I've seen you, how've you been?"

Kayden walked in, tugging his shoes off and hanging his coat up. "Well, I'm behind on literally everything, the entire newspaper committee wants to slaughter me in my sleep, and I hate this stupid fucking uniform," He said before collapsing down onto the couch in the parlor.

"Antisto finals season. Among the many things I don't miss from there, that's probably the biggest one," Luke said with a smile, sitting down next to Kayden. "Hey, on second thought, can I get some chocolate milk?" He asked Henry.

"You have chocolate milk?" Kayden asked, looking up.

"I guess I won't make tea then," Henry chuckled. "Alright, I'll be right back," He said, giving Luke a quick kiss on the head before he left the room.

There was a faint blush present on Luke's face as he smiled, scratching the back of his neck. Kayden couldn't help but smile too seeing it.

"I take it things are going well with Henry, then?"

"So well," Luke said happily, then looked at Kayden. "I'm sorry you guys kind of stopped hanging out after we got together though. I mean, he told me you guys hung out outside of hooking up and I didn't mean to come in the way of that."

"No, it's okay," Kayden said. "I mean, yeah, I'd prefer to spend more time with him, but I didn't want to add any complicating factors to your relationship when you guys were just getting together, and your boyfriend still hanging out with someone he used to fuck tends to be a pretty big one. I just...I know how much he likes you, and I didn't want to mess that up or anything."

"Thank you, I appreciate that...I'd like to say I never would've been worried about it, and I'm not now, but things were kind of weird for a bit after we got together," He said, scratching the back of his neck. "Do you like anyone?"

Kayden picked at his nail until the edge chipped. "Kind of, but I don't think it's going anywhere," He said with a shrug. "He probably doesn't have time for a relationship anyway."

"Does anyone have time for a relationship at Antisto?"

Kayden laughed softly. "Probably not...but I've never met anyone like him, and I don't know that I ever will again."

Luke snickered. "That's a little dramatic."

"Yeah, but I'm serious. He's ambitious, and confident, and sometimes it feels like he's the only person who actually knows me," He said.

"Kayden, I know how you feel, but don't throw away your life for Elias Astor, he's not worth it."

"Henry told you?"

"No, but I was friends with Elias for years, and I had a crush on him for longer than I should've," Luke said.

"I could've been describing half of the guys at Antisto," Kayden said suspiciously.

"I had a hunch," Luke said. "Considering that we both went to the same guy hoping to get over him. I just happened to realize how much I'd rather be with Henry," Luke said simply. "Look, Kayden, you can fall in love with whoever you want and stay hung up over him for the rest of your life, but he's not going to change for you. He's not going to change for anyone, that's just not how people work. If you want to be with him, you're going to have to accept that he might never accept himself. I got over my feelings for him when I realized if I were with him long term, I'd never be more than a side piece." Luke sighed softly. "He's going to marry someday, and it's not going to be a man."

Kayden swallowed thickly, picking the edge of his nail off. "You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do, because he told me. Even if he didn't, you know it's true, because you know him. He's going to live the rest of his life trying to please his father who doesn't even love him and everyone else who reminds him of his father because he's confident and ambitious, but he's really just a people pleaser who can't stand the idea that he might be something outside of that perfect cookie cutter mold of what he's supposed to be," Luke said in a tone harsher than he'd intended. Kayden knew it was true. He didn't think he'd ever have what he really wanted with Elias. He was imagining a relationship with a version of him that didn't exist yet, and might never.

"Hey, I also decided to make some mozzarella sticks to go with the chocolate milk. I hope you guys are hungry," Henry said with a grin, setting a tray down on the coffee table.

"Hell yeah, I'm always hungry for mozzarella sticks," Kayden said, picking one up.

"Thanks, love," Luke said, tugging Henry down onto the couch next to him.

Kayden tried to forget about their conversation, because he knew he needed to get over Elias, but he couldn't, at least not yet. He thought about it again on the walk home, though. He thought about everything Luke had said. He's going to marry someday, and it's not going to be a man. He'd always known it, but it still hurt to hear it out loud. He wondered if there was some way that Luke could be wrong, because he needed him to be. Somewhere along the line, he'd let himself become entangled with the idea that Elias would love him someday, and despite everything he knew, against all odds, it would somehow work out. He'd convinced himself that Elias would always be within reach, but he knew he wouldn't. What was that thing he'd said once? You can't expect someone to exist in any particular context forever. 

He knew he couldn't ask Elias to never grow up and move away, and he couldn't ask to go with him, despite how painful it was to imagine him leaving, to come to terms with the fact that high school would end and they would grow apart as easily as they became friends. He didn't want to get over Elias and live a happy life without him. Maybe it was naive to think that the feelings he had meant something. Maybe it was dramatic to say he would never love someone like Elias again. But as he walked up the path to the dorms and saw the blond sitting on the step smoking a cigarette and he knew that he'd never be able to smoke again without thinking about him, he didn't think so.