Return of Sebastian Sallow | 10 Yr After Hogwarts

Chapter 20: Angel of My Life

I want–merlin above–I want so fucking badly just to touch her and hold her and breathe her in and feel the softness of the skin that haunts me in my dreams.

::Lad. You just want to fuck her.::

But I fear I could lose control of myself, again. Of my magic.

::Guaranteed.::

I could barely endure the impact of her temper, earlier tonight. I cannot possibly begin to estimate what a touch of tenderness might do.

::Tosser. In what world do you even deserve that, you miserable, fucking prat.::

It's never been about what I want. It's always had to be about the reality of who – what – I am.

::Right. Burn down this miserable fucking forest, already, mate.::

–I'm spiraling.

Breathe, Sebastian.

Inhale...two...three...Ong Namo...I bow to the wisdom of all that is...

Exhale...two...three....Guru Dev Namo...I bow to the divine teacher within...

Air expels from my lungs and my energy feels more renewed. Mind more clear. She asked me to leave, and I can give her that. I can't give her much but, I can at least give her that.

I instinctively begin to walk in the opposite direction from where April went and I think about how unfathomably familiar she has felt to me. Turns out it doesn't matter how many years you spend telling yourself something was just a stupid crush– it's not going to make it true.

I feel as connected to her as the day I last saw her, as concerned about her as ever, and I can't help but wonder if she feels the same. Yet, I know I can't begin to claim to know her–this complex, exquisite woman who was once my closest friend and ally. A despair sets in with the knowing that that's entirely my fault.

Perhaps I was foolish to think distance and time could spare me from her.

I think about the fact that my mind hasn't fought me so wildly since...merlin, since I can't remember when. And it genuinely scares me. Is it really all just to do with her?

Suddenly, a cacophony of celebratory voices explodes through the forest canopy. I look up to see a blue glow in the sky and something alights within me, willing my feet to turn around and retrace my steps to investigate. Approaching the edge of the tent near our apparition point, I cast a disillusionment charm to conceal myself and crouch low to stay hidden as I peer around the corner.

At the center of the most incredible sight, teeming with life and light, there she is at the center of it all.

Of course she is. I smile.

Look at her. This small, lone girl – woman – amongst these countless, powerful beasts. And she's not only holding her own but commanding their attention to the sky and I smile in complete awe.

She is creating a show of her ancient magic – that I have encountered neither before nor since her – using it in ways I've never seen. Using her bare hands like some kind of forest goddess. Commanding the unruly mass with remarkable ease, as though it were no more than a well-behaved dog on a leash, and she its master, out for a mid-day stroll.

I gasp aloud with surprise upon seeing the massive, magical lotus she's made burst into a fine sprinkling of flowers. I feel a rush of wind pass my body that smells distinctly of jasmine and cinnamon – of her. It sends a flutter through my body, down to my toes. The entirety of the glowing particles are lifted with the gust of air, as butterflies, into the sky above.