Cigarettes, Rebels And Me, #1 ✔

Chapter 4 - Are You Saying You're Gay?

"You are?" Mom says curiously, re-entering the dining room with a questioning look on her face. "When was it decided that way?"

I feel my blood boil but my anger doesn't show on my face.

"I mentioned it to you two days before," I say, struggling not to raise my voice. It's a petty thing to be angry about, but it's very hard to not just storm out of the room after punching everyone who has made me feel insecure and doubtful of myself.

You're a good girl, you won't do anything bad, my brain keeps telling me, but my hands twitching under the table tell me something else.

"You did?" Mum's surprised voice sets my teeth on edge, and I clench my enraged fists, trying to let some anger out.

But it seems that Mom is determined to add fuel to the fire.

"Are you sure, because I don't-"

That's when something snaps inside me.

But I don't shout, scream, or hurt anyone physically... I simply place my cutlery down on my plate and get up, ignoring the protests of my mother and Grandma; I just walk out of the room, and then out of the house as fast as my feet can take me.

But once I'm out, the first thing I do is let a cry escape my lips. My entire body starts vibrating in shock and surprise of the recent events.

I have never acted out before, and certainly not publicly.

From the beginning, I had learnt to keep everything bottled inside of me, to obey every word my parents said, without discussion; it had not been by choice... there wasn't anyone around to hear me. Everyone had their own, strong opinion and made it a point to hammer it into each other. When and where could I possibly raise my voice and let people hear it? I was born in the Collins family.

With much difficulty, I fish my phone from the pocket of my jeans, dialling the number of my best friend and only friend, Claire.

Words stumble from my lips the minute she picks up the phone. "Hello, Claire?"

"Hey!" Claire greets me enthusiastically, but her cheery tone is gone when she realises I'm not in that frame of mind. "Are you okay?"

"Can I spend the night at yours?"

---

Claire and I became friends in school. When I was in the 8th grade, she was a new student and shared a couple of classes with me. We hit off instantly: that's saying something, knowing my friend making skills and socialising capacity.

And we've been best friends since then.

I reach her house in what seems like just a minute. When you're surrounded by a storm of thoughts, it's like the world around you doesn't exist. It's just you and your conscience having a battle.

I'm comparatively calm than what I was when I left everyone hanging at the dinner table, but nothing can change my mind about going back home.

Taking a few deep breaths, I prepare myself to answer all of Claire's questions about what happened to me. As I stand warily outside her house trying to muster some courage to start walking past the neatly cut bushes lining the path leading to Claire's porch, I hear shouting and raised voices from the neighbouring house.

That and only that belays me, because Claire's neighbours are the Andrews...

Could the time be any better?

"Fuck you, Ethan!" I hear someone shout from inside and it doesn't take a genius to know who that might be. "I will never be perfect like you and trust me, I don't even want to be!"

"That's not what I... hey, where do you think you're going?" an unfamiliar male voice calls from inside. Suddenly, I hear the main door of the neighbouring house close shut, then open again, and Colton's furious voice comes out.

"The hell away from you!"

The door slams shut again.

My feet stay rooted to the ground and moments later, I realize what a big mistake eavesdropping on their conversation was.

My eyes slowly glance up to meet Colton's, and just one look in his eyes tells me how royally pissed he is. And for the first time ever in my life when I thought I would be so terrified of that look that I would faint, I actually understand where he's coming from.

The moment I heard him say that he could never be perfect like his brother, it felt as though a part of him was a whole of me.

But then Colton's harsh voice brings me back to reality.

"Enjoyed the drama, did you?"

I suddenly find myself at a loss for words.

"All of them motherfuckers are the same, aren't they?" he exclaims as his fingers travel through his bronze coloured hair furiously and repeatedly. "Your sister... my brother."

"Yes," I reply quietly, my heart aching for both of us.

"But you know what the difference between us is? I actually try to do something about it!" he says angrily, his nose flaring. "Do you have any fucking idea how mad it makes me when I see that you don't do anything about your situation?"

"What do you want me to do?" I automatically rush to my own defence. "Should I rebel against them like you; get drunk in parties, get arrested for vandalising some property just to get attention?" I say simply, but he seems to feel the anger I am feeling because his eyes harden suddenly.

"No, but you are a pushover. And being a pushover will never get you anywhere."

And that's it. That's how Colton Andrews successfully shuts me up again, making me ponder over my choices as I watch him start his bike and speed into the dark night.

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