False God

Chapter Seventeen

Author's note: Yes, I took a while to update, but I always do hahaha, sorry, my life is in chaos and the time is short for writing, but I almost never update quickly, so you're used to it. Sorry if there's something wrong, I hope you like it.

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2022

Lewis POV

I hate the gray days in London, I've always been one of those people who let themselves be influenced by the weather, the sun and the blue sky made me more willing to live. But some people have the power to change many things, especially the people that we love deeply, they come into your life and create roots so strong that you don't even know where they're, this was Max, he came into my life and made me love him, then he left and took my love for sunny days with him. Blue always reminded me of his eyes, and for a while, after what we had ended, even looking at the sky hurt, so I looked forward to the gray days, until now. Because now when the clouds gather in the sky I remember him too, and how he let his thoughts and anguish show in the last conversation we had, the blue of his eyes that turned gray with sadness and became heavy, spilling water just like the clouds that are now bathing the buildings.

Maybe this is just me making absolutely everything be about him, after we ceased to exist the simple act of opening a bottle of wine reminded me of him and the good days, so I switched to whiskey, watching the office was no longer fun because it reminded me of our days in Monaco, surfing lost its magic when I remembered that I told him we would go together, that day never came. Instead, there were days when I was sure that the loud, violent crying would be enough to flood my living room and make waves that would make my board useful again. Sitting at the piano hurt, and singing was the worst, and still is, because I remember every time I hugged him tight and sang until his heartbeat calmed down.

It has been a long time since I last felt so depressed, things were happening and the past became more and more distant and wailing for the loss became less frequent, until fate laughed in my face and made everything come back to the surface, all those confused and sad feelings returned, and now in this melancholy and prostrate on my couch I realize that time is treacherous, because it silently makes you think that you're healing, but it's not true, because the time between the past and the now keeps increasing and time is directly proportional to longing, they increase together.

Spending my free time scrolling through my instagram feed waiting for an update from Max has become routine since I've been back home, and I'd say it's a miserable and very stupid hobby, especially since Max rarely shows up on his instagram, but it turns out he's doing some marketing work with Red Bull and they love to post Max on social media, at least they're good for something. Longing for someone I should have forgotten is extremely ridiculous and I feel like slapping myself, but my heart insists on loving someone who insists on keeping us apart.

The lack of what to do on this vacation is desperate, I'm not totally on vacation, I still have some appointments with Mercedes and some interviews that have been scheduled too long to cancel. But a lot of this free time remembering of Max with every task done and the search for any sign of his life is kind of my fault, I'm constantly ignoring the invitations of friends and family, I want to have the right of self-flagellation without curious onlookers.

Luckily I have a friend who knows about this, so calling him is also something that has become routine, I guess dealing with problems like this is not something Seb would want to do in his retirement, but I'm still a little upset that he left me so in a way I don't feel bad that he listens to my whining, even if sometimes it's not about Max, like now.

-Do you think I would be a terrible loser if I didn't go to the award ceremony again this year?

-I don't think so, but I can no longer say the same about other people, but how much do you care what people will think if you don't go?