Confessions over Coffee

One: Recognized

Iced Spanish Latte recipe:

1. One shot of espresso
2. Three-fourth cup of whole milk
3. Some condensed milk (Ikaw ma ang bahala kung gaano karami 'yung gusto mo.)
4. A cup of ice

***

I just want happiness--no. I don't even want to be happy, that would be too ambitious of me. I just want this emptiness to be filled. I feel so empty inside. May kulang, 'yun lang ang alam ko. Kung ano 'yung kulang? I don't have any clue.  Alam mo 'yung araw-araw mong tinatanong ang sarili mo kung bakit ka pa ipinanganak? Na parang your everyday goal is just to survive the day kasi ang hirap sumaya. Ang hirap maging kumpleto. Ang hirap alamin kung ano 'yung kulang.

My usual routine is to get up, set up my laptop, go to work, eat, feed my cats, wash the dishes, clean the liter box, do the laundry (kung nasa mood). The things I do on a daily basis are just pretty normal and boring. But why do I feel so restless? Bakit parang ang hirap itaguyod ng araw-araw? Bakit parang lagi akong naka-fight mode?

Well, for context, I work from home. Sa trabaho ko, walang kasiguraduhan because maraming assholes. That worsens my stress levels most of the time. Kahit ano pang remind ko sa sarili ko that I should just let go of uncontrollable things, the thought of being kicked out from work would still linger in my mind. Ayokong mawalan ng trabaho pero ayoko 'ring laging isipin na mawawalan ako ng trabaho.

Here I am ordering my cup of coffee for the day online. The smell of coffee excites me. It's among the few things that I look forward to everyday.  At least  may nilo-look forward pa rin ako sa araw-araw. Unfortunately, parang hindi okay ang timpla ng barista ng Spanish latte ngayon. Parang nasobrahan sa kondesada. Pero I don't give a damn anymore as long as I have my coffee.

So I just finished work.  I want to unwind and entertain myself pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Should I watch K-pop videos? Read some manga chapters? Watch some eps of my fave anime? Well, anything would do as long as it makes me forget that I feel empty inside. But the sad thing is, nothing (as of now) would make me completely forget of the void that I'm trying to fill.

How I wished everyday na makapasok sa mga manga na binabasa ko because I don't feel any purpose in my actual life. Alam mo 'yun, I spend a lot of time daydreaming, imagining the things I desire because I'm not happy with my reality. At parang ang hirap-hirap abutin ng mga gusto ko sa buhay kaya ini-imagine ko na lang na naabot ko na. Can I just be an anime character?

To make it clear, I have no intentions to kill myself. Actually, I want to help myself. Kung ano man ang kondisyon na meron ako, I badly want it to be treated. So how am I going to help myself? I think the first thing to do is to recognize that I'm not okay. May childhood trauma kasi ako. You know, toxic parents. My emotions and cries were never valid, kasi pag-iinarte lang daw yun. So yeah, ngayong wala na ako sa puder nila for a couple of years already, maybe it's about time to recognize that my feelings are valid.

My feelings are valid. Okay lang hindi maging okay. Hindi ako nag-iinarte. Tao lang ako na nasasaktan din.

So what fun thing did I do today? I drank coffee while watching some anime eps. Kape tayo ulet, sometime soon?