The deep thought of heart and hurt

Part IV-last ending

Throughout all, it seems that something has never changed, the role I play has never changed, the dumb pathetic role of every single dumb romance story. Should I even have any hope left to believe?...

Well, at the moment of now, I have seen thousand of pleasant faces, but none of them has ever kept my faith stay true. Until one day, there was a pleasant man- a grow up one. He was such a pleasant darling, he was not young, his charm has been fading away due to his years of contributing to the path he now strongly stands. He surely is a mature soul, I once thought he even has a fragile heart within was a well built shell which has been marked with only scars and scratches. He could love me like a man would love passionately and dearly and reasonably his woman. I think I am growing to love him...

I may be the fool again anyway, but he surely is a sweetheart to me now. And whatever happened before, well, who he was, what he did,...and who I was, what I had done, what happened to me?...Now I definitely know and I am conciously sure that I love him, I care about him... truly...dearly...dreamingly...
However, there is one thing I am afraid of. One thing about this precious man, it is that "He is not mine to keep".  And what I am predictably afraid of usually comes true...

The questions I fear most to answer are these: "What is left for me?", "Is there still anything left?..."
Uhm, my heart is now heavy and weary, maybe in this life I am never meant to earn any love. And I guess I should just accept it and live on to keep my hurting body alive, to keep my breath continue the flow of life, and to let my mind keep on living by... to keep on living in its world of rotten feeling and painful memory...

Whatever happened to me in the realm of love. I shall learn from it, but if you ask me to fight for it. I guess the answer is No,...If he is truly mine, he will run to me and let me be in his arms. I would not be the damned one who begs for his filthy charity or any of his  sympathetic kindness. I don't want to be pitied by any low soul that does not deserve mine. And furthermore, the choice it must be made by the man, he shall choose his lady of his days because I know can never keep him with me forever... if it is not his will. I would never hate her for taking him away because I know my place in every relationship..that I am nothing...nothing important...I was only trying to give love and to be worth... to be loved...

So I let him be...and I let him go,...I set them both free.. free to leave, free to humiliate me, to make fun of me...

But those creatures didn't know something. Those things also set me free. I am free from that toxic raw, that disgusting cheating type of beast and its pet...

If it is not love from both sides, I then shall never hold on, never ever and forevermore never holding on to such thing. I am not the kind of people who afraid of letting go and getting hurt and keeping stuck in a punch of damaged feelings or a broken heart...
That is too weak for me..I choose to leave... that is wise, that is strong,...and it is very brave... and it is my...instinct.

I shall not ever stay with him just because I can't forget him. In fact, I shall forget very soon, it is just the matter of time. I won't suffer long, that truth is...I am not suffering anymore and not ever again... I shall not stay with him just because I once love him and I used not to live well without him. I shall live on, and I shall find a new door to open and walk through. For I finally know he was not worthy, not ever and ever. He and his dramatic arrogance...And mark my words that I shall live well; however, it will never be the same for...them😏