Dream // Van McCann

15. It's Not Too Late

Clara straightened up with concern etched on her face. Mia has had nightmares before thinking there were monsters under her bed but dreaming about a man was new.

"Do you know this man?" Clara asked casually. She was very good at staying calm even though she was worried. Perhaps letting her walk home from school was a bad idea. There was always the worry someone would approach her daughter but she's taught Mia about stranger danger and she's been walking home for years just fine.

"No, I don't. I've never met him before but I feel like I know him."

Kids say the most bizarre things but this was something else. Clara was going to talk to Rafael about it tonight. It was unfortunate that he doesn't come home until midnight. It's now 8 PM, Mia's bedtime.

"What does he want from you?" Clara tried. She was wary of asking more questions but she was curious.

"He wants my help finding you." Clara was now on edge, her hair standing on end. She's never mentioned him to her once.

"Well, I'm right here and he hasn't found me yet. Go to sleep Mia."

The bed squeaked when Clara stood up and she turned off the lamp, making her way towards the door, and then she closed it. Meanwhile, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I swear to God they were going to see me standing in the corner but they paid me no attention. That happens sometimes and we never quite understood it. I made my way towards the door, my eyes on Mia the whole time even though it was hard to see in the dark. When I opened the door and light temporarily seeped into the room, I saw her looking straight at me. I raised my finger to my lips, begging her to not say a word, and closed the door behind me.

When dreaming, you never know how much of it is truth and how much of it is lies, made up by your brain to fill up dead space. Perhaps it's just me thinking about Larry's words the other day.

Perhaps Mia can help you.

The light was on in the kitchen and I could hear her pouring something to drink. She brought her mug out to the living room and sank onto the couch, tightening the robe around her body. I was finally able to get a good look at her face. She looked older in the sense that she was more mature now. She used to pay attention to how she dressed when going out, but now that she's a mum, she's less strict about her appearance. Her forehead was wrinkled as she thought about her daughter's words, no doubt alarmed by what she said.

Well, I'm right here and he hasn't found me yet.

She knows Mia was talking about me and she's aware of the possibility that I might visit. Our phone call revealed that so that part's true. My brain isn't making that up.

After finishing her drink, Clara stood up to put her mug in the sink. She stepped back into the living room and took off her robe, revealing a nightdress. It reminded me of what she wore when we went to Llandudno with me all those years ago, and looking at her body, you wouldn't have guessed she gave birth to a child. She's actually quite young for a mum. She's 30 with a 7 year old.

Clara walked up to the table and opened the drawer, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I was quite shocked as she wasn't a smoker back when we dated and I thought I'd never see the day she'd actually smoke. She grabbed a fresh flower from the vase and went to the closet, placing the items in the pocket of the coat she planned to wear. At this point, I've lost count of how long it's been since Mia was put to sleep but I reckon it's long enough for Mia to fall asleep so Clara can have some time to herself.

As if on cue, Clara looked up as if listening for signs that Mia was awake. I thought she'd see me but she didn't. She put her shoes on and stepped out of the door locking it behind her. I quickly walked down the stairs and headed out the front door as well.

It was dark and a bit chilly out but note that winters here are different from winters in Seattle and the UK. It's actually quite warm here compared to most places and cool enough to warrant a light jacket. When I stepped out onto the road, I was worried I had lost her but after looking around and listening for signs of movement, I saw her down the street lighting her cigarette. She took a drag and continued walking towards the water. Having been here before helped me get oriented with the place.

I went to follow her and was surprised when someone grabbed my arm. I was about to cry out as I wasn't expecting it but Florence's hand gently covered my mouth. She let go as soon as I calmed down.

"I was wondering when I'd see you," she whispered. "Is that Clara who just left the house?" I couldn't talk so I simply nodded my head. "Should we follow her?"

Florence answered her own question when she started following Clara, keeping a safe distance to not alarm her. Clara was surprisingly quick. She's walked this way thousands of times, finding the most scenic path to take. After following her for some time, we could hear the ocean and then the familiar car park and lighthouse came into view. It was strange seeing the lighthouse this close and lit up at night. This place becomes an entirely different place at night.

During the day, it's inviting and there are tons of people around. But at night, it's quiet and more eerie. You'll see the occasional person but you're mostly alone save for your thoughts. I should've known that Clara would come here at night. No one will see her and she's free to think and have some time to herself.

Clara walked until she came across the familiar cliff. She put both hands on the railing and hoisted herself over it. She wasn't concerned about covering up despite wearing a nightdress because there was no one else around. And when she jumped down onto the dirt, she took a moment to straighten her jacket and dress before walking towards the edge. Clara laid the flower on the rock and stood there for a moment to pay her respects.

At this point, all the anger I had for her began to dissipate and I felt extremely guilty. It's not that I didn't think Clara wouldn't feel remorse for the lass who actually passed—I just didn't think that 8 years later, she'd still be visiting her. Clara still carries this burden with her after all this time. Her new life wouldn't be possible if not for her death. But she doesn't have to live like this forever. She can give her the proper burial she deserves.

And that's when I realized my plan wasn't entirely hopeless. If Clara felt no remorse whatsoever, I would've been shit out of luck but she's a person with feelings and a conscience. She feels guilty for what she's done.

Florence and I could stay in this dream if we wanted to and see where it goes but there was no need to because I got the answer I needed. It's not too late to change the future. There's still hope in changing Clara's mind.