✅ Over Protected

29. Alice Sees her Future

"Mummy?" I asked, and stretched out my hands towards her. I blushed immediately. That word was really starting to become a habit now. And so were some of the gestures. It felt so good when she could pick me up; I had started hoping for it almost every time I saw her, if Sarah wasn't around to say how weird it was. She held me now, and my grin must have spread right across my face.

"What is it, baby?" she asked. "Ohh, did you start thinking again? Do you need a change?"

"I... umm..." I mumbled. She'd told my school now that I had a problem. She was big and strong enough to keep using those wipes on me until my mind dissolved, even if I tried to stop her. And nobody else would think it was weird. I'd given up my choice now. And somehow that just made me feel safe. If it wasn't my choice, that proved that I didn't need to worry about it. I didn't need to feel guilty about wanting to go back to an age where chores and schoolwork weren't a part of my life. "I think I kind of... It's nice not thinking sometimes. But it's nice thinking sometimes, too. So I can look back at what's happening to me, and be glad for all the things I'm not old enough to care about now."

"That's my baby," she said, and brushed my hair away from my eyes with her fingertips. "Such a smart little one, yes you are. That's fine, sweetie. I'll make sure you get your chances to tell me how you're feeling, and to think about what's happening to you. And if you want to stop thinking, I can help you with that any time you ask. Or you might be able to do it yourself, if you prefer. Would you like that?"

I looked up at her, eyes wide, and squeaked "Yes please!" I knew I must have seemed as excited as a kid at Christmas, but that sounded like such an incredible gift.

"Well, you know that it's fun feeling like a baby sometimes, don't you? And sometimes when you wake up wet, you feel all giggly and floaty, without me doing anything to help you. But maybe, if you decide to play like a baby, it might be easy to get carried away. How about I put you in a clean diaper now, and let you think for a bit about how you're feeling, so you can decide how much you want this. Now, this morning I made sure to diaper you before school, didn't I? Just like a real baby. And to remind you how good it feels to be a baby, I might have poured a little water on your diaper first. So maybe, if you let yourself play along and do a little oopsie, you might be able to feel just as happy in your new diaper."

I laughed, as I translated the explanation in my head. She knew that I didn't want to think too much about the mechanism for my mental decline. So she was explaining it using silly metaphors, the kind of thing that Sarah might have come to accept once her willingness to believe had been raised again and again by the different chemicals. What Mum was really saying was that she'd put me in diapers with that stuff... I couldn't remember the letters, but the one that makes your head all floaty and empty. Putting water on it before putting it on me had made it like ten times stronger than it was when I'd woken up wet, and in just a couple of minutes I'd had no idea who or where I was. So... she would put me in a fresh diaper, I could think more about what I wanted, and how far I wanted this to go. And if I wanted that state of blissful confusion, I could get it right back just by deciding to wet myself. Assuming I could bring myself to do that.

I was still blushing when Mummy changed me into a clean diaper. But I was laughing as well, especially when she decided to start tickling me. It was so much fun, not having to think about everything all the time. These were cute ones that I hadn't seen before, and she let me look at myself in the mirror once she was done. The diaper was covered in symbols, like a TV weather forecaster would use to show the expected conditions. And in the middle, there was a big print of a teddy gesturing to what seemed like a screen. I could tell right away there was supposed to be a map on the screen; but it was blank. I could easily see the symbolism.

"Is that a..." I pointed at it.

"Ohh yes, it's got a little screen so Mummy can tell if my little baby needs a change," she said with a laugh. "And there's all different ones! You never know what you're going to see, so you can try to guess."

I had to laugh at that. It was such a silly idea. I think I'd seen ads for diapers with a wetness indicator, like some part of the print that changes colour or something. But mystery designs that would appear? That made it like a toy. And for some little kid who was already going a bit loopy from the drugs, it might make her excited to see what symbol was going to appear. Less worries about wetting; a way to feel childish excitement, and normalise acting like a child.

I still didn't know if I could bring myself to wet a diaper while conscious, but I was willing to give it a try. Maybe, at some point. Once I was changed, Mummy sat on the couch and let me lie in her lap, while we watched a series of increasingly childish cartoons and educational shows. It was relaxing, and once I let myself really get into the action on the TV, I found that I could just get into feeling like a child without even needing the drugs. A couple of times, I thought that I might be ready to let go of my thoughts. But even so relaxed, I couldn't bring myself to let go. It wasn't until Mummy said that she might have to make dinner soon that I realised there was something else I needed to ask, while I was still clear-headed enough to remember.

"Mummy?" I said, in much the same way I'd asked a couple of questions about simple things on the TV. "Is this how Lyra spends the day now?"

"Oh no," she said. "Lyra gets something very special every day. I said I'd let you see, didn't I? Well, we can arrange a playdate one day soon, I promise. Just so you can see how happy she is. Is that what you'd like?"

I nodded eagerly, and Mummy gave me a big hug. That was the only big thing I needed to think about now, and soon there would be no worries to pull me out of blissful ignorance. This year was going to be wonderful, I just knew it.