Critique - ThaliaCarstairs: Jezebel
Starting with a quote from Albert Einstein? Why? Sometimes it works, but this seems very sporadic and random to begin a story with. Paragraph one...that's a lot of she does, she does, she does. Spice it up. Instead of she hangs her coat and sits down, you could say, hanging her coat, she sits down. Harlot is a nice name for slut...not quite a word to use for describing someone who reads the Bible
Again with the quotes. I guess this will work out. She hasn't called the police after this guy stalked her? For a month? This guy is really creepy. You put all 20th century books in a section? Most libraries that I've been to keep it all alphabetical by last name and don't really care about the year but sometimes have a classic literature section. Again, why the creepiness? And a few girls, you only talked about one. If more came, it's not hard just to put in a sentence that says that a few more girls came in the rain, which shocked Jezz.
Error message reads really long and most error messages are only a few words that way it's easy for the people to understand. Which Greek myth is Cassie from? Give details. Because there are thousands of Greek myths. How does Alex know that she was already getting ready to eat dinner? And why does she not care about that? "But I see you've already set sail on your voyage"...
The Fault picture but Wallflower quote...this is already a train wreck. She woke up, he's in her apartment smiling, it's early morning, and you expect us to think that they only had a peck? In a one room apartment at that. Hmm. Why are little girls becoming her friend now? From what we've read of Jezzie, she doesn't seem like the approachable type, but it seems to be the opposite.
Overall, not a bad 3 chapters. You've gotten development pretty well. It'll be interesting to see the rest of the story.
But still not impressed by the random "bible harlot" bit tossed in. And there's still no reason as to why he's following her.
YOU ARE READING
Critiques - Hard to the Core
RandomCritiques to stories? You want me to nitpick everything you've worked on? Sounds good :D
