Chapter One (My strange Addiction)
I'm in pain
I can't see
I can't breath
Sometimes I ask myself what is pain? Is it the same feeling I feel or am I just telling myself that that's what pain is. To me pain comes in different ways
The first kind of pain is the physical one in all my minimal years of living I have experienced this pain in ways, I am not really going to explain this properly but 1-10. That's all I'm going to say.
The second kind is that one caused by our emotions, thoughts and many things. I won't ever say that I am depressed but what I have isn't really normal though.
It starts slowly. It first comes as a dull ache in your chest something so small that's hard to notice, but then gradually it begins to increase at first you're just lost in your mind for a few seconds but those seconds turn into minutes those minutes turn into hours and before you even know what is going on it's been a year or years, and that dull ache has turned into a stabbing feeling in your chest it feels like you're going to die but then again nothing actually happens and you're just stuck in that loop of never ending pain.
Not me though I found an out in a way its not really something that lasts long but you won't really understand. So, where was I again? Oh yes! I found something that felt like a breather. What I found was like my breath of fresh air after drowning for so many years in the water, and call me what ever you want but even if I knew what I was doing was wrong I did it. I did it because even if was for just a few seconds or a minute I felt free, I felt alive like I could finally breath for a second and it was heaven to me.
You're probably wondering what this miraculous thing I found was what helped me. Was it someone? A friend? A bestfriend? A significant other? God? Or was it something? reading? writing? an animal? Well I tried all of that but nothing worked. And believe me when I say I tried I actually did, at one point I was so committed to helping myself that whatever I tried I was diligent about it. But to finally answer the long awaited question my out was cutting myself. Long before any of this happen whenever I read or watched something and hear that they'd cut themselves I'd wonder why. Why would someone subject themselves to such pain. Some books say the emotional pain was way worse, but I still didn't get it.
That was until my stabbing ache turned into 24/7 of mental agony. Nothing felt right anymore, talking, eating, smiling, I'll explain everything better though. I felt like I was sinking. the concept of living just seemed dumb to me but I was to much of a coward to actually do it. One night I woke up from a nightmare and the first thing I saw was my pencil's razor and mind you these nightmares weren't something that happened once in a while, they were my bestfriends, my pals. They never left my side. Once I closed my eyes to sleep they were right there waiting for a little playdate.
So, when I woke up the first thing I needed to do was to get rid of it. What "it" was is still a mystery to me. I just knew that if I didn't get rid of it, I'd lose it, I'd finally break, I'd fall and I won't even have enough strength to pick myself back up. So, although I wasn't even really sure what I was doing I grabbed that razor, pulled it my arm and I made a mental note not to cut myself in visible area. When I finally took that unsensitized razor to my shaking hands and pressed on the skin hard enough.....I felt it.
You know when you're with a balloon and you puncture a hole not good enough to pop it but enough for it to start to lessen. That was it for me I was that balloon and damn it felt good. It felt like I had been holding my breath for 2 years and I had finally decided to breath in. But as they say every good thing comes to an end and after a few seconds I fell head first from my high and the after effect was a sober minded me, a bloody pillow case and a new addiction.
A/N
I lost a part of me. But I want to share why.✨
