Relatos de cuarentena

Still don't know how to call it.

So there I am right. Sitting on my bed after smoking and having again another crisis.

I mean, I am sorry. But I panic a lot, I may not be screaming right now in front of your face and also crying but I am inside, you know. Yeah, yeah. Inside, keep it all inside.

Anyways, so there I am just thinking and over thinking again. It's been a while actually. But you know what my stupid past-self did days ago? She called it. She just fucking called for it.

There's this thing that I do once in a while and it's that I say to someone: You know what I am just bored now, I want drama back in my life. I am turned off, I need something to just happen to me and that's it.

And, of course. It happens. There's usually a guy or a girl. We don't care anyways.

So there's this person, right? Who just appears, who is not part of this few friends that you don't want to fuck because you don't wanna lose them somehow so you're kinda "friendshly" in love with them cause they're the only ones you trust. Yeah, you know. That shit happens.

Anyways, so. There's this person that you meet and you immediately like and either for your zodiac sign or daddy issues you imagine a life with them.

Everything is just so fucking intense.

It's been five minutes and you already have the name for your four cats. Sorry if this text-spit doesn't get to you because you like dogs, I am a cat person.

And then day passes and you're like: You're boring.

Daddy issues? Mommy issues? There's so many traumas I have, I could write non stop by mentioning them.

So that happens and then somehow, something new happens and you finally start to understand feelings, people, what you want in life and suddenly: pandemic.

Yeah, that's my shit here.

Anyways, you learned right. You acquire your emotional intelligence. Good for you, way to go girl!

So we're listening to Tove Lo. There's just something about her and everytime time she drops music that just fucking gets to me. Rita Ora also, but that's another topic we don't wanna talk about now really.

So I am here thinking about the experience I have in this "love life"

And I feel like recently I lived every type of love I want in life:

Sexual love. I mean, I cared... about his body and my pleasure. I guess that's love in some way.

Platonic love. Stereotype.? Don't bullshit me, I know you have one. I met him and that's it.

Deep, intense, romantic love: When I tell you I wanted to marry this man... I did not lie to you. Do I regret not doing it? Of course NOT.

So now, here I am. Grown woman. I know what I want, I know what I need.

And here I am talking with a stranger who's offering part of the shit that I know I need and want.

And here I am when the guy in the movie that I am watching says: "I can never go out with her. She's too fucked up, okay. She doesn't want a boyfriend, she's too damaged, Magnum P.I couldn't solve the shit going in her head." And then, in another scene that really hits me, the mom says to her daughter: "What I do know it's not a great damn secret you live in fear of repeating my mistakes. And you're not wrong, so learn from me" ... "Well your prince charming isn't coming to rescue you in a horse and a carriage. That's not who you want. I mean, you're looking for a man to be your partner to take on the world with. You gotta update your fairytale, baby."

And there I am also, over thinking. Over thinking if he may be real, if he may hurt me... just over thinking what's going to happen when we meet. When are we going to meet, what he's going to think about me, are we gonna agree on something?, are we going to kiss?, are we just gonna be awkward?.. so many "are we"

And it's just so stupid. So stupid.

I am not saying that it's not okay to wonder if you're gonna be hurt tho. That's some real shit right there, I am a woman in the end.

But, I know now I just want sex. That's all I want and I am there asking myself what's gonna happen. Who cares?!

My life is not being recorded right now (that I know) and even if it was... what the hell! It just doesn't matter.

If he doesn't like me then fuck it, I've been doing okay with my dildo so far and my cats cuddle me in the night or in the day.

I don't need that emotional support anymore, I know how to deal with my loneliness.

But no, she was bored of life. And she just wanted some drama again.

Seriously?!