Words Of Silence

Stage 1= Drowning

I hate you
Not the kind of hate where I just don't like you or the kind when I'm being dramatic
I hate you
Really truly
With every cell in my body
Hate you

And it's the kind of anger the kind of rage
That overflows
It drowns everything else in my life
And all I feel is anger

Since I was 11
I go to therapy
I go to my psychiatrist
I take my meds
I do the worksheets
I try so hard

And for awhile I feel better
But it always come back
And what I've come to find out
Is it always will

My therapist told me one  this will keep happening the depressive episodes
The crisis I'll learn to cope with them but I'll always have them

Every time you decided to touch me
To abuse me
You altered my brain development
And I have to live with it

When I'm university
When I'm a mom
When I'm a therapist
When I'm adult
This feeling will always show up

The flashbacks
The feeling so disgusting I actually puke
The dissociation
The depression
The anxiety
The everything else fucked up with my brain

That's because of you
You weren't my creator
But it was your hands that wired me this way

Its weird that someone that used to attend my birthday partys
Is the reason I've almost not had a next one

You aren't god
But you flooded me with water
Until I couldn't breath

You created the ocean I'll always be somewhat drowning in

—————————————————————-

To you it's over it's a closed case

But this is book I'm always reading
The pages your closing are the pages I'm living in

This doesn't end for me
It never does
You were my one chance of closing a chapter I almost died in
But u added a semicolon
It just keeps going
And going

And now she gets to breathe fresh air
She's celebrating a close call

And I'm thinking about when my life ending was a close call

How hard I had to fight
How strong I had to be to finally speak
Even when my dad tried to silence me
Guilt trip me

You'll be a grandma one day
That thought makes me sick
You will be a grandma
Living your life
And no one will know
because of you I'm fighting for mine

What now
What do I do now
—————————————————————-

For a year
I've been told just wait
The crown will make a decison soon
Keep going you will get justice
Ive been surviving to get the answers
I almost died asking

What now
You walk away free
The case is over
What next

I just live my life
You just live your life

You grow old become a grandma
You have Christmas with the whole family

I'm the one living in a jail trapped
No choice but to what move on

Move on from the biggest part of me
Move on from the hands that strangled me

I still have more memories to uncover but nothing to do with them

Case closed
You closed the pages
I got millions of paper cuts trying to open

What now
I got the answers to the questions
I almost died asking