Bleeding From The Inside

Waiting on Overflow

I was too young to be sitting amongst all of these grown women.

I was surrounded. They all spoke of men and how cruel they were. Most of them were sexually assaulted or violated in some way, and they were all looking forward to having healthy, productive marriages with one. The struggle was remaining vigilant at the same time and also committed to God.

I wasn't ready. At the time, I was entertaining multiple guys. I was 15 years old. My boyfriend at the time, I think I loved him. He always told me he loved me. I couldn't explain any other reason why I kept letting him come back into my life. I remember when I first met him. I was on a bus coming from school. He looked at me, and I looked at him. He looked at me. I acted shy and looked down. Now, he wasn't shy because here he came walking over to me and sat right beside me.

I think I was starting to sweat. His name was Jonathan. His skin was smooth and brown like a mocha latte. His thick black beard covered his cheeks down to his chin. The only thing was his lips were flat and thick. I never saw anyone with lips shaped like that. Have you ever seen those cartoons where they draw lips and they are a little exaggerated and red. That's how his looked. I was trying to avert my eyes from him. He had a scent on him that I later learned was the smell of apple cinnamon flavored Marijuana. I hated and loved the scent because it was strong and similar to a cigarette, but the apple cinnamon was actually more overbearing. I didn't smoke weed, and I had little to no exposure to it before this. He wrote down his number on a piece of paper. Simultaneously, he asked my name. I made up a name I thought was cute like Shay.  I looked up at him, and he says "well Shay, from now on, you're gonna be my girl. Call me to go on a date."

On our first date, he took me to the mall. We got some food, but he was committing to buying me more than just that. He wanted me to have new sneakers. I picked out some Air Force 1s.. he tried to talk me out of them, but I loved them! I didn't care that they were out of date. They looked great to me. Anyway, I had the biggest smile on my face coming home. I told my mom all about Jonathan. He was the one for me. My mom agreed, saying he was starting the relationship right. I sat up all night talking to him. It seemed like he was obsessed with me, and I was obsessed with him. He met me at the bus stop and walked me home and met me in the morning to walk me to the bus stop for school. He was 21 at the time, so he just worked in different stores in the neighborhood.

One day, he wanted me to visit his house and meet his family. I remember walking into his house and meeting his grandmother. She had nothing but negative things to day about him. She warned me, "He's no one to hang around with. You seem like a nice girl." She was trying to warn me, but he told me to never mind and follow him he had something to show me. We got to his room. I was wondering what this big surprise was. His room was junky. He had a small twin size bed that had been neatly made up. His hats and shoes were stacked up all over his walls. I plopped down on his bed, all excited. "Where's your TV? What do you do in here? What are we doing today? He kissed me. When he kissed me, he always kissed me like on the forehead or the cheek like a gentleman. I felt like I was precious in his eyes. He told me he was going to take a shower. I wanted to leave. I was questioning, like, why am I here if you're just gonna take a shower? Jonathan walked towards the door smiling and looked over his shoulder with a grimace and said, "You better be naked when I come back." I was stunned.

Fast forward to this meeting, stared into the distance, wondering if I would ever stop having trouble with men simply because some of these women were more than 50 years old and I was only 15. I prayed to God that I wouldn't be stuck learning the same old lessons in my adulthood like most of these women. I wanted to change my ways, but at this point, I felt like I was stuck.