this is me trying

Chapter 1 - Keeping Control

"What numbers are available?" I asked, before being handed a list. And then I breathed. I saw the number I wanted. I saw the number that I needed. Some say that numbers don't matter. Why would they? They are just digits on our backs.

But for me, as so many others, they do. They mean more than anyone could realise.

Since I signed for Trondheim, when I was only a teenager, I had been number 22. Two and two. Twenty two. Nora, she was born on the 2nd of February. 2/2.

It was always going to be 22.

"I'll take 22, please," I said, smiling softly, knowing that I would bring a bit of my sister into this new world with me. A piece of my past would be printed on my back.

"No problem, Eva. Let's get this announced!" I smiled softly, knowing that in just a few moments I would be able to announce to the world that I was signed for Manchester city.

Mancity: We're delighted to announce the signing of Norwegian midfielder, Eva Valtersen, from Trondheims-Ørn, through to 2023.

And then I breathed. It was announced.

"You can now announce it on your social media too," the media manager said to me. "Not required, but allowed." I nodded softly.

"So... can I leave?" I asked. He laughed slightly.

"Yes, you can leave now. Training starts tomorrow, and you'll find out all the information for your schedule then. Garry can take you to your apartment."

"Gary?"

"The driver."

"Oh okay. Thanks." I grabbed my bag, walked outside, and to the car that was waiting for me. It was a beautiful day in Manchester. The sun was shining, and I couldn't see a cloud in the never ending sky. It was as if it was welcoming me here. Welcoming me to Manchester.

I was dropped off at my new apartment, which was close to our training ground and the academy stadium. It was conveniently located, I only wished that it was convenient for my brain.

When I walked inside, it was dim, and the only light came from the windows. As I peered closer, I saw the view of greater Manchester. It was big. A lot bigger than Trondheim. That in itself scared me. It was larger than anything I thought of before.

I turned the lights on and off twice. I opened the door to my bathroom twice. I walked through the corridor twice. And did all those things twice more. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to live. I wouldn't be able to live here or anywhere. I had to. It was a need, not a want.

I sat on the floor of the apartment, as I had no furniture, par a mattress, at the time, and wrote on my instagram. I had 100k followers, and that was only because of the national team. Trondheims-Ørn didn't have too many followers, especially with the women's side.

Eva.valtersen22: Very excited to announce my signing with Manchester city until 2023. new chapter for me!

Veldig spent på å kunngjøre signeringen min med Manchester city frem til 2023. nytt kapittel for meg!

Ingrid_engen: Så stolt og jeg elsker deg

Guroreiten: see you soon <3

I put my phone down, knowing that social media stressed me out more than most other things. It was a weird dynamic between me and it. I loved it, but also hated it. I was obsessed over it, but I knew that was stupid. It was hard to put down. It was addictive in a way, so I tried my best to limit that time. Over the past few years, I worked out ways to manage my brain, and reducing media time was one of them.

As I lay on my mattress, on the floor, in my bedroom, I knew it was time to breathe.

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

Do that twice. Repeat that twice.

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

One. Two. Three. Breathe.

Crack the knuckles. Twice.

Count the bracelets. Count the rubber bands.

Twice.

Everything twice.

That is what works. That is how I like it.

And tomorrow would be the start of something new. The start of a new experience. My second club. It was the number 2. It would be good. I could feel it. I hoped for it.

One. Two. Three. Breathe. Repeat. 

One. Two. Three. Breathe. Repeat.