✅ Over Protected

12. Mum Offers a Compromise

"What's it about?" I asked, trying not to distract myself looking around. I didn't often have an excuse to come into Mum's room, so it was a little strange, and made me even more nervous.

"Don't worry," she said. "You're not in trouble. But I saw your little note last night. You spilled something on your Allnights?"

"Yes?" I squeaked.

"Well, you don't need to wear actual diapers. You're not the baby, Alice. I don't want to be worrying about you as well." I nodded, not really understanding. Why would she be worried? But she didn't pause, and just kept on going as if it was a perfectly normal thing to say: "If you need a new pack of diapers, you should just ask. I've got plenty here, although I think it would be better if you let me give you them when you need them. The only real reason I'm rationing them out is to make sure that Sarah can't change herself without me knowing. And obviously, there's no reason I couldn't just trust you, except for worrying that Sarah will think it's discriminatory."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I just... I thought you were only buying..." But then I trailed to a stop as she opened her closet. In the bottom were a couple of locked cupboards, that were supposed to be for holding valuables, insurance documents, and similar. She'd just opened one, and handed me a fresh pack of Allnights. The same green stripes as my last ones, that could almost pass for regular underwear. The ones I was sure Sarah wished she was wearing. But as Mum passed them over, I couldn't help noticing that there were four or five packs of actual diapers in there as well; a couple of brands and a couple of styles, including the octopus ones. I was sure Mum had said that she was only buying one at a time, so that as soon as Sarah stopped waking up wet for a week, her supply would be quickly gone. Did this mean that Mum wasn't actually planning to let us stop wearing them so soon after Sarah's issue was cured? Or was it perhaps that she was lying about what the doctors had said, and she knew there wasn't going to be a cure?

I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for her, trying to help her daughter stay optimistic when she knew that the chance wasn't really there.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled again. "I don't want to make things harder for you. I was just trying to sort it out by myself. And I..." I didn't know if I could continue there. The diaper in my bin was wet. If I told Mum that, would she realise that it was just water? Would she think that I'd wet myself deliberately trying to get her to put me back in diapers? Would she worry about me? I didn't know what she would think; it was surely too late for me to still have the pubococcygitis virus, and too much of a coincidence if it happened the one night I was wearing a proper diaper. No, I couldn't tell her that. But what other excuse could I have for wanting to wear real diapers? And when I thought of that, I wondered why I did want it. It didn't make any kind of sense, but I knew that they were more comfortable.

"It's okay, honey. I'm not upset, I just want you to be okay. You're not the right size for those diapers, and they're so childish it would be humiliating."

"They fit pretty well," I said, and realised that was all there was to it. I didn't need to try analysing any kind of deep psychology when it was really something so simple. "I tried one, and I can't believe how comfortable they are. I've never slept so well. And they're cuter, too. I mean... I should be more mature, I guess? But I like the cute patterns more, and they're kind of more comfortable. Please, can I have the same ones as Sarah?"

"You slept really well?" she asked, and I nodded. "You didn't wet the bed, did you?" I shook my head to that one, but I found that I froze for a second first, wondering how she could possibly have known. Had she been checking the bins, like when she first discovered Sarah's accidents? It really made no sense for her to ask unless she already knew the answer, but I still couldn't admit it, for all the reasons that had already crossed my mind. As soon as I said it, I could feel the fear building inside me... but what was I really nervous about? That Mum would make me wear diapers, like she had when Sarah lied?

"That's good," she said. "I just... Can you be more careful in future, sweetie? You're a big girl now. You should stick to the Allnights."

"Are they expensive?" I asked, after a second to think. "The cute diapers, I mean? I... I really think they're more comfortable, and they helped me to get to sleep instead of lying awake thinking about things. I mean... I didn't know if you were going to get some more of the pull-ups and make me change when you got home. But I didn't even hear you come in, I must have been asleep as soon as I got in bed." That was almost true, I thought. I hadn't actually been asleep when they came in, but I knew I'd nodded off much faster than I normally did, and even been able to get another hour or two after waking up in the early hours. I was sure that meant it was good for me.

"It's not the price. It's just that I care about you," she said. "I don't want you to get embarrassed if you don't have to."

"I'll pay for them," I said. "Take it out of my allowance." I didn't know why I was making that argument. They were just cuter diapers; something I didn't need anyway. But something didn't seem right now. I wanted to push more now, just because I didn't understand why Mum was saying no. I was almost certain that it wasn't something that really mattered to me; but my curiosity kept pushing me forward, hoping that sooner or later I would understand why there had to be an argument.

"Okay," she said. "If that's really what you want. But everything in moderation, right? If you want to have the choice, you need to show me that you can use it responsibly. I think you took two diapers yesterday? So you have one left. And if you can be good, you can save that one. If you really like them, you can use them to treat yourself. But I want you to promise you will always leave three days between wearing them, okay? I don't want you to overdo it. And if you start waking up wet, you have to let me know right away. Promise?"

"I won't," I said, before fully realising how strange the question was. "I mean... the virus was weeks ago, there's no way I've still got it. But if anything happens, I promise I'll tell you. Even if it's embarrassing."

"Good girl," she said. "I knew I could count on you. Now, I might give you a couple more occasionally. To thank you for doing so much while I'm looking after your sister. I have noticed. And if this is the treat you want, you can have it. Just so long as you don't overdo it, and I think I should be able to trust you with that."

"Thank you," I said with a smile, but I was only thinking of more questions. Or maybe not questions, because if I knew the questions, I would have been able to ask them. And then Mum was hurrying to change Sarah out of her overnight diaper before school, grabbing a pack of wipes from the closet before she went. That just reminded me that I still didn't know why there was an unopened pack in Sarah's drawer. I didn't understand, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to let it go until I understood.