Dream // Van McCann

8. I'd Do Anything

"Hello?" she answered. Despite it being so long since I've heard her voice, she sounded exactly the same.

"Hello, this is Van. I got your message and wanted to call you. Is now a good time to talk?" I asked. I suddenly felt like a nuisance as I wasn't sure she was working or not. "I can call another time if you'd like."

"No, you're fine! How have you been? It's so good to hear from you!"

"Have I lost my accent?" I joked. "To answer your question, I'm still in Seattle but at a different company. Things have been good. I quite like it here. But enough about me. How've you been?"

"You've lost a bit of your accent. It's not as strong anymore but it's still there. I can't believe you're still in Seattle. Seems like a few years ago that you just left. Do you have any plans to go back to the UK? And I've been good. I'm retired now so I've been doing a lot of volunteer work to keep busy. By the way, we're back in Chicago and have been for quite some time. We—"

She stopped herself and I could hear her debating about whether or not to tell me.

"You've been back since she passed, haven't you? I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you coping? I can't imagine the pain of losing a child."

"Yes, we've been back since she passed. It was better that way since most of our family is here. I'll tell you the pain never really goes away. I think about her all the time and I never know what will trigger it. But I know she's in a better place now and I hope she's happy."

"Is she gone because of me?" I'm not sure what prompted me to ask but I was curious if her parents thought it was my fault and if they resented me for it. I did break her heart by choosing my career over her but I maintained hope we could make it work. But once Rafael entered the picture and the letters ceased, it was a lost cause. Clara's mum was quiet for some time and I wondered if I upset her.

"She was very upset you moved to America, I'm sure you knew that. I'd catch her crying and writing letters to you. But she's changed for the better because of you. She became more independent and more brave. I could tell she didn't like Portugal at first but then the place grew on her, and then she met someone and fell in love. She got pregnant and told us on Christmas Day and we didn't react well to it. I don't think it was you. It was us." Her voice was trembling now and I could picture her trying to hold back her tears. "I know for a fact it was us. If I could do things over again, I'd take back what I said and maybe she'd still be here."

She was sobbing now and it hurt not being able to do anything to soothe her. And the worst part was that I knew Clara was still alive, or at least I think so. I didn't want to get her mum's hopes up without knowing for sure she was alive and ready to tell her parents the truth.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Jones. I'm sure she knew you loved her. Sometimes you say things you don't mean when upset. You were only looking out for her, wanting what's best for her." What I said didn't feel genuine enough. It's tough finding the right words for such a sensitive topic.

"Thanks Van. We overreacted. We've never heard about this guy and then she told us she was pregnant out of the blue. We were worried he wouldn't stay with her and that she'd have to raise the child on her own. But thinking back, that was a stupid thing to say, especially when it took a lot for her to tell us she was pregnant.

"Even if he left her, I'm certain she'd make a great mother and can take care of the child on her own. But of course, she'd never be on her own. We would help her. I was so stupid to suggest that she have an abortion. That's what I wish I could take back. It was very insensitive of me, especially when Clara was an adult and could decide for herself. I just hope she knows that I'm very sorry. I'll never forgive myself for saying that." I was at a loss for what to say but then I thought of something.

"If you could tell Clara one thing, what would you say?" I asked softly. Her mum was silent for quite some time and then she finally spoke.

"I'd do anything to have her back."

My heart was heavy when I made my way back to the office that I even forgot to smoke. I was distraught and frustrated at the whole situation. It's very difficult to keep a secret when you know the truth but it wasn't my place to tell and the time wasn't right. After that phone call, I made a promise to myself that I would make things right again.

Clara's parents are sorry for what they've done and will do anything to have her back. That to me is enough to show me that they've learned from this. They won't do anything to Rafael and Mia if Clara was to reconnect with them. But the thing is that I wasn't the one that needed to hear that—Clara is. I just wish she'd respond to my letter. She still has my number. I've not changed my number just in case.

It wasn't until I came back that I realized I was gone for a solid half hour. Luckily, Bondy and Larry didn't bat an eye as they were busy with their own stuff. I took the opportunity to write in the journal I kept at work about my phone call with Clara's mum. I wrote the date at the top and began writing.

The day went by quickly and then it was time for Florence's session. I've been so busy thinking about my phone call with Clara's mum that I didn't think about how I'd convince Florence to go under her dream. The last thing I wanted was for Bondy and Larry to listen to us going back and forth. There was a knock at the door and I got up to open it. I see Florence everyday but after a few hours of not seeing her, I already miss her. She looked more distraught than usual.

"How was work? Is everything alright?" I asked her as she walked in to put away her stuff.

"Yeah," she replied succinctly. She looked knackered and I figured she had a rough day at work and that I shouldn't dwell on it for too long. Florence helped me set up as usual and I turned to ask her a question.

"Whose dream are we going under?" I asked. Florence turned to face me, giving me an expression that said, is that even a question? I gulped, trying to find the courage to convince her otherwise.

"Can we go under your dream just this once?" I begged. I lowered my voice so the others couldn't hear. "I called Clara's mum today. I'm not in the right mindset." What I said was the truth. It shouldn't really matter but I was worried what I'd dream about. Florence wasn't thrilled but understood. She sighed.

"Sure thing." She turned her attention back to setting up and I couldn't help but feel guilty for asking.