I Can't

Part 4

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. As Dream played I watched the chat for a little longer.

User3947: he's probably cutting himself
User4948: his fatass deserves it anyway
User4947: he's one of those attention seekers

Fuck. They noticed. They fucking noticed. I messed up once again.

"I'll be right back," I told Dream, excusing myself to the bathroom.

I looked around the bathroom with tears in my eyes for some sort of blade. I opened the cabinet and saw a razor. I dismantled it leaving me with 3 open blades. I found an almost empty chapstick container and cleaned it out. I hid 2 of the blades in there as I slid the other one across my wrist, drawing red lines until I was satisfied. Once I finished, I hid the blade in the chapstick container along with the other 2 and put it in the very back of the cabinet. I bandaged my arm to stop the bleeding and went back outside as if nothing happened. My wrist throbbed as I clicked the keys on my keyboard, but I loved the pain.

We played a few more rounds and then Sap suggested we go out to eat.

"Eat?" I said. "It's 4:00"

"Yeah but we didn't have lunch and we're going to the party tonight so I thought why not an early dinner?"

"I'm down, I'm hungry." Dream said.

"George?" They both looked at me.

"Uh yeah, sure let's go."

We went to the same burger place as last time. I wish at least one of us was a half decent cook. We always go out because none of us can make anything that actually tastes good. As we waited in line, Dream and Sapnap discussed their orders.

"What are you gonna get?" Dream asked me.

"Um..." I mumbled. "I don't know yet."

"Alright well decide quickly because it's almost our turn."

Should I just eat? They're gonna worry if I don't. My stomach has been screaming at me, eating at itself since yesterday. I'm so hungry...

"George?" Sapnap snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Order."

"Oh shoot, sorry I zoned out. Uh, I'll just get the um, number 1."

"With or without fries?"

"Without." If I have to eat I might as well only eat what's necessary.

"Your order will be out in a bit," she said, handing Dream his card back along with the receipt.

"Thanks man," Sapnap patted Dream on the back.

"Yea thank you," I added.

"No problem, let's go find a table."

Shortly after we sat down, our number was called. Dream went up to get it and I started getting anxious.

"Alright, eat up," he said, placing the tray on the table.

I zoned out again as it became harder to breathe. My chest felt heavy, my face hot. My leg was bouncing and I was fiddling with my fingers as I tried to calm down. My hearing was muffled and my vision was blurry.

"George? Aren't you gonna eat?" I heard a faint voice say.

"Yeah, sorry." I managed to get out. "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom real quick."

I got up shakily as I walked over to the bathroom. I closed the stall door and tried to keep my balance as I got dizzy. No one else was in the bathroom so I took out my phone and called Karl.

"Hey George!"

"Hi.." I said, my voice trembling.

"Everything alright?"

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"What's going on?"

"Im shaky and dizzy and-" a breath caught in my throat. "-it's really hard to breathe.."

"Okay, you're just having a panic attack. That's okay. Breathe with me, okay? In for 4, hold for 3, out for 4. Ready? Go."

I breathed in as he counted.

"Good, now hold for 1, 2, 3..."

I exhaled as he counted to 4 again.

"Ok, now do this one more time."

He counted again as I breathed, slowly coming back to reality.

"Better?"

"Yeah, much," I said, still a bit shaky. "Thank you Karl."

"No problem. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Yea. Bye Karl."

"Bye George," he said with the same calming voice.

Now I had to eat.

I went back out to the table and unwrapped my burger as Dream and Sapnap talked. I took a bite of relief. Gosh that tasted so good. I took another bite. I was subconsciously eating quicker than normal because I hadn't eaten in so long. I realized and slowed myself down. They're gonna think I'm a pig.

Once we finished our burgers we went back home. I was still hungry but nauseous at the same time. I'm disgusted at myself. I'm disgusting. I'm a failure. I need food that bad I couldn't go another day without it? Pathetic. Once we got home I went straight to the bathroom. I made sure Dream and Sapnap were downstairs where they couldn't hear me throwing up. Just incase, I turned on the fan to drown out some of the noise.

I stuck my fingers down my throat and gagged. I didn't throw up until the forth time. I gagged and it all came back up. My throat burned as my food poured out of me, but I deserved it. Once there was nothing left in me, I washed my hands and brushed my teeth, my throat burning. I cleared my throat a few times before going back out to hopefully prevent my voice from being hoarse. Before I left the bathroom, I saw the cabinet open. I dug to the back and took out my blades, slicing my other arm this time. Once I was finished, I bandaged it up and went downstairs.

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