Day 1

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by niahlvsu

by niahlvsu

10:46 pm, Entry #1 : I don't know how many entries I'll have for today. Today was a chill day, but there was something stopping me from being completely calm and relaxed.

I don't like to talk about my feelings, nor do I ever feel like talking about them is completely necessary. I know I'm a sensitive person. I know my feelings can be hard for others to understand. And that's exactly why I keep the fuck quiet!

But when you get yourself into a relationship, you're kind of required to talk about your feelings...all the time. See, I'm not gonna act like I didn't already know that before I started dating Moses, because I did. It's just that past relationships and friendships have ruined my perception of love & trust.

I don't want to express my feelings and then have everything I feel repeated to people I don't even know. My ex used to tell everyone, and I mean everyone, about what I had to say to him and him only. After getting out of that relationship, I haven't trusted any other partner with my feelings. Having my problems, feelings, and internal personality exposed to the world is like wearing my nervous system on my skin.

I might sound extra, but I promise I'm not. I'm all about privacy. I like my image exactly how it is. The calm, funny, and bubbly Kimani is the me that I'm comfortable sharing with other people. I keep to myself. I'm not the "sad friend", or the "high maintenance friend". That's why so many people like me! I'm the friend you can come to about anything, and I never want to lose that title.

So that's why I keep quiet. Now when I need to speak up it's either a problem or I become speechless. I think there are other factors that made me this way, but that's a whole different story for a whole different day. Anyways, today I struggled (and am still struggling) to tell Moses how I feel about Valentine's Day. This year will be the first year that I've ever been in a relationship on Valentine's Day. I knew it would be stressful but I didn't think it would make me cry. It is about 2 weeks away and he hasn't tried to plan anything for us to see each other. I even tried to plan something with him and he completely disregarded it and turned it into a joke. It's making me very anxious because I know this month is gonna be very busy, and I need plans to be made ASAP so I can see him!! I love him so much words can't even explain. Even though I say dumb shit and I play too much, I truly love him. So I need to talk to him about it. I know that he doesn't know why I'm acting the way I'm acting (out of anger) so I need to help him understand. I know for a fact that talking to him about what bothers me can fix everything, but I don't know how to without feeling like I'm asking for too much. I hate asking for things. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth change. I think that's because he doesn't really ask me to improve, and I know I'm not perfect...so is he just not saying anything so I don't feel bad? I hope not. I feel like he is.

He hasn't given me any reasons to think that, but IDK I have a hunch. Again, I hate asking for shit but I don't want to settle for less. I know that there's at least 5 people that would like to take me out for Valentine's Day so why won't he? Why won't he talk about it? Talk to me? Why isn't he acknowledging this "universal day of love" when we've been in a relationship for almost a year?

Moses has sacrificed so much for me, and improved himself for me in many ways, which I'm grateful for. I feel like I haven't done enough for him. I think I'm too high-maintenance.

Today, my friends asked me over and over why I'm so scared to talk about the situation. I said "idk" over 20 times. I think I know now. I'm scared that he'll realize that I'm not all that, I ask and complain too much, or that I don't do as much for him as he does for me. He'll leave me. I'm scared that he'll leave.

But then again, why would he? I think I'm a good girlfriend (sometimes). I'm not the most vocally affectionate over the phone, which is ironic since we've been basically online for the majority of our relationship. We only recently started linking each other. He's pointed out my lack of affection before, and I felt really bad. Like I wasn't doing enough. I've tried to put my pride aside and show that I care but it's hard. I care, but I don't know how to show it.

Relationships are just so hard and sometimes I envy those that are single and don't have the worries that I have everyday. Then again, I love Moses and I love our relationship. It's all just complicated. I wish I could be better so that I could feel secure about my feelings towards him "not doing enough". I want to be able to complain all the fuck I want without him being able to turn the tables on me. Scratch that, I want us to be able to treat each other equally good so we're both always satisfied.

I know that's not possible but a girl can dream.

Anywho, today was a good day. I was very productive with my upcoming business, I took pictures, and I am planning to make my own sugar wax after this entry!

I think I'm done writing for now. Until tomorrow, dear reader!!