Artist Unknown

6.

Rebecca

The tea sat heavy in my stomach as I sipped. It's usual warming embrace hindered by the tumultuous churn of my guts, making me want to vomit. The resplendent blue of the water, and the verdant green of the land of planet earth on my mug comforted me, as doing something so simple as eating breakfast with dad.

Sue and he sat talking ( as much as he does talk), while I stared out of the window recalling my row with mum. Should I have walked away like that? Leaving everything unresolved, up in the air? I had these questions each and every time we fought, but there was also that lingering satisfaction that kept me from reconciling.

"Hey, oi? Rebecca?" Sues voice began to rise in volume. Like it was coming towards me from very far away.

"Hmm? Im sorry. I didn't mean to be rude" I blinked ferociously, before smiling.

"You weren't. Bad night was it?"

An answer alluded me. Thinking of what to say was near impossible with the heaviness I felt. I gave up blinking as it began to hurt, failing to dislodge the blur from behind my eyes. Even the mutest colours made them sting. I punched the bridge of my nose.

"Are you alright?" Asked Sue, unable to contain her concern.

I shrugged again.

"You just seemed slightly...lost" finally opening my eyes, her warm gaze helped restore my sight, still a little foggy from blinking.

"Stranded, would be a better word" I gave a self deprecating sigh, leaning my chin in my palm.

Sue stirred her tea and stared at me, quizzically, clearly waiting for me to elaborate. Sitting up straight, I abandoned my tea before cutting to the chase.

"Mum and I quarrelled, again. We usually take any chance we can to humiliate the other, but yesterday...she went too far" I ran my tongue over my teeth in pity, raising my brows for emphasis while thinking.

"Too far? What do you mean, too far?"

"Shes basically made it a rule that I don't get be happy. Even if I tell her time and time again that this is my life, even if I try to ignore it and get on. She'll always find some part of my existence to ridicule"

I stopped from anger, but Sue still sat watching me, telling me without talking to continue. I swear this women is nothing but I giant heart, selflessly putting others first.

"I can take jibes at my hair, or attitude or my odd sayings, but when she repeatedly questions my choices, how I haven't become the same as those other women my age. It's hurts. It hurts because she knows why haven't done these things. She knows why. She sees it everyday. And when she talks about the past. About him" Suddenly, I could no longer talk. Just the mere thought of him makes me ashamed of all I hadn't done. Looking down at the pattern of the table cloth, I scratched the nape of my neck.

"Even though it was so long ago, she still mentions him from time to time. And when she does, all I can think about is how it made both she and dad feel. Do you think she did it to make me feel guilty? Like I don't feel guilty about it everyday!" I looked across at dad who sat watching us both. Sues tilted head and sympathetic expression, and my sudden despair.

"Please, say something. I feel like I'm going mad!" I exclaimed to Sue.

She was quiet a few minutes more.

"Have told your mum what you just told me?"

My mood now bordered on total shut down. I played with the table cloth, not looking at her. But I knew she'd drag an answer out of me, eventually. She'd known me since I were a child.