Finding light

Chapter 2

Sticks and stones

Do you ever have those moments where you look at someone's life and then picture what it would be like to live with them? I do.. I do it quite often. Mostly at school when I see the kids opening up their packed lunch boxes or when I hear them talking about embarrassing family stories...

Although it would be nice to have that. I know I have it pretty good too. My mum loves me and she is there for me. I will always have my mum and mum will always have me.

But I do admit I sometimes wish mum would be like those mums who pack their kids lunches. Or the mums that decide to spend a whole afternoon either baking or gardening. Or the mum to say I love you.

Right now I really don't know what mum is thinking or what she is planning. But I know soon mum will start to feel better and then we can start doing mother daughter things.

All i have to do is wait for the rain to pass so i can see the rainbow.

But while I wait for the rainbow to come, I will run. I will run searching for the light which seems so far away. I will run through the streets, through the woods, on the beach and wherever I need to go. So I can find it.

I know I am not the normal 11 year old as most kids cry easily and just let someone else deal with their problems. That's just not me, because my mum grew me strong so I can face challenges and hurdles on my own.

I nearly fell to the ground once I reached the doorstep of our unit. I held tightly onto the rail trying to keep my weight from falling. My breaths were shallow and rapid and it took a while for it to calm down.
I had no idea how long I have been running for as I carry no time or tracker on me. But judging by the sun starting to rise and the pool of sweat on me. I guess it has been a couple of hours.

"Oakley!" Mum bust the front door open and I stumble inside and head straight to the bathroom.

"How was school?" Her voice was slurred.

I can tell mum is still in her fix as her pupils are dilated and her words are jittery. It is what I read in a book in a library once when I was trying to understand my mother more. "Connor left but he said he will be back."

"Ok mum." I sigh. Happy that he is gone but not happy because he is coming back. I looked to the right and couldn't help but see the empty fruit basket and shelves. It has been nearly two days and we still haven't got food. "Mum when are we getting food. I havent eaten in two days."

"What?" mum stammered.

"When are we getting food?" Mum's fingers started fidgeting as she looked like she didn't know what to say.

"I-" she paused and then furrowed her eyebrows. "I just need to pay for some things. And after that then i can get some food.

"Ok mum, I will get a free lunch at school today. So it doesn't really matter today." She nodded her head but her blank facial expression did not falter.

"I love you mum."

And with that she waved at me before walking back into the room with the bag in her hand.

Darkness and light

Light and darkness

That was all for the next few days. They were tiring, they were repetitive and they were all filled with darkness. The only thing that got me through was running....But between all of that i was a roboto especially at school.

I felt like a zombie.

Not sure if it was from the lack of food or from all the running I have been doing. But my body was feeling completely drained.

It felt like I had no life inside of me.
The kids at school think I am some freak as I never talk with them, play, eat or do anything with them. It is always just me, myself and I. But that is how I like it. When you talk and befriend someone, that is giving someone your trust and that is too scary.

So i just choose to be a lone wolf who only depends on themself so that way i can never get hurt.

I ignore the rocks being thrown at my worn out runners and continue to walk down my street.

"Hey freak, why don't you talk to us?"

"Hey freak, why don't you show us where they sell the good shit?"

"Is that where you live freak?"

I walk inside and kick off my shoes. I grimace inside as I smell fresh cigarette smoke and see beer bottles and empty syringes laying around.

"Mum, I am home." I yell out but get no response.

A bad feeling starts peeling in the pit of my stomach and worry soon flushes over me. Especially when I start counting the syringes lying across the living room. "Mum?" I yelled again.

Finding Light

mum

My breathing became ragged and shallow. The emotions inside of me started rising like a bitter title wave. They were taking over every inch and organ inside of me in a matter of seconds. Tears ran down my face and I was feeling more and more overwhelmed at that moment.

I could feel the blood in my face drain as I looked down at the two bodies on the floor. My mum is barely looking alive and her chest is rising so slowly that it doesn't look like it was  moving at all. "Mum?" I cry.
I get down next to her and try to search for a pulse. I didn't even bother going to Connors body because it didn't take scientists to realise he was dead.

felt like a scavenger searching for gold as I tried to find a pulse. I was so happy I read that first aid book as it taught me  some little things on what to do if you find someone unconscious. But reading it and doing it was two completely different tasks. This was just  hard and frustrating because even though I had my two fingers on her neck.

I couldn't feel anything

"Mum?"

Tears streamed down my face as I now started doing CPR . Again, again and again I had no power to stop but only to keep going. I didn't know if i was doing it right or wrong but I just kept going. The only time my hands stopped was when my sweating hands were on mum's phone to call an ambulance.

My arms were getting tired as I was pounding all my body weight and strength onto her body.. Tears and sweat dripped down my body like a fountain but I did not stop. I will never stop. Not in a million, not ever.

I will not stop.

When the ambulance people came in their faces had paled just like mine did but they were faster to snap their head out of it and help.  My body was pulled away and despite my protest I was held in strong arms. "It's ok sweetie."

No its not

"Make my mum breathe." I cried as I broke out of the hold. I was not listening to his pleas to calm down or that 'everything was going to be ok'. But we both knew that whatever was going to happen was going to hurt. My mum is only human and she knew and I knew that if she didn't stop it would come up to her eventually. But even knowing that would never prepare me for the hurt. Because whether I knew it or not, hurt was always going to change me. Just as it always has.... There was no way around it. No matter how badly I wished there was.

I curled into a ball as the feeling in my chest grew tighter and the air in my lungs felt lighter. I tried to catch some air in my lungs but that was impossible. I closed my eyes. It bought me no consolation as I could not breathe. That was the thought that kept repeating in my head. My body began to ache from the lack of oxygen and from my pounding heart. I could not breathe.

This was all just a nightmare. The most terrifying and cruellest nightmare i had ever had and the most cruellest thing about it was that i felt like i was disappearing.

It was the calmest I had ever felt