Cerbera Odollam~a short story about suicide

THE BEGINING TO MY END

I have seen many humans over my lifespan of 15 years but yet I have never come across a human whith as soul as inhuman as the soul that inhabits this futile weak human body never regretting never loving and ever longin for the sweet symphony of suicide.

If I am to tell the truth the dehumanization began over a decade a go when this fragile being was a mere 5 years of age at that point I began to realise how different I was I ate without ever truly being hungry longed for possessions that had no meaning to me excelled in academics receiving several praises and awards yet still I was empty behind those eyes of they who spewed out meaningless comments a human emotion lay jealousy and rage in some who couldnt fathom my intelligence and love and admiration of those who wished they were the being I portrayed myself as.

Many wise men before me said that the eyes are the gateway to ones soul yet no matter how long I stared into the cracked mirror of my middle school toilets I found no human emotion present perhaps I was an exception souless, no gates to any soul because there was nothing to find perhaps I was no longer able to be called human because this is who I was am and will be. A hollow mind soul and body simply living to complete the act of living as we all do.

In hopeless despiration to find happiness I resulted in harming my self over on over again the pain brought a hope I had never felt before a hope that perhaps I wasnt a souless being that i was like everyone else that's what I used to think now I resort to it as if it were a punishment watch 7 cuts for each sin I was to ever commit yet no longer being human makes me a sin itself that perhaps the empty eggshell of a being was god is punishment for me.

I detested mirrors each one of the displayed a human body with souless eyes hollow on the inside like drift wood that gets washed up on shore useless and a burden. Just how my parents saw me a waste of space money time and sperm my sister on the hand was everything I could never be. Human. They loved her like i could never be loved and she loved like I never could. Perhaps shes only alive to remind me of everything I could never be or have.

Mornings were terrible for me I would get up every day to make breakfast for the humans I live with perhaps I did it so I could have a purpose a meaning eventhough I knew I never had one . But I wasn't unintelligent i knew that I knew more than anybody i had ever met, knew that my intellect was far superior to that of any avarage human perhaps and that made me even less of a human but in their eyes i will always be the model student handsome athletic tall. My physicall appearance made it easy for my to socialise with my peers but at the same time it ser me apart even greater for them puny mortals.

Every day was the same the same dull feeling the regular drag of my handcrafted blades the constant insults from my father the horrified looks my mother gave me everytime I spoke or even looked at her I was aware why she looked at me like that I was a near mirror image of my father the only man that woman ever feared and I her son was exactly like him what a disappointment. I brought pain to my mothers eyes just by existing and to my sister I was somewhat of a slave she saw me as someone that could be used.

I am not a doll I would tell myself everytime she made me do her homework and everytime her birthday was celebrated and not mine if didnt make me feel sad in fact i rarely feelt anything at all not happiness not anger only frustration and sadness at my lack of humanity.

School was a mundane task for me that I did purely to feel like the rest. Human. It was so simple each mathematical equation was solved in seconds by my unnatural brain each piece of text remembered no matter how long it was it stayed . I could also never forget anything my memory didnt even allow me this single solemn. I would remember each word my father called me from satatans spawn to gods personall punishment to him. I was sure my father deserved it but did i really deserve to be born ?

No I didnt I knew that for the very moment I was born it was a belief that was carved into my head from the day I was born the constant beatings my father would give me as my mother watched from the sidelines not looking me in the eyes as I  was beaten to near death my my father.

She never loved me .

And I never loved her.

I couldn't........