My Cup Of Coffee

Chapter 48

"One small shot won't hurt" I shrugged.

Haseul served me just what I asked her to, a small sip. The whisky being strong and sweet at once. Truly the best I've ever had. The music the band was playing was quite loud but very enjoyable. So suited for the weather and moment. After their first song I clapped, thinking it was something everyone did. But no one followed along and I immediately hid my face in my hands. Having Haseul laugh at me. "You're cute" she says. The next song was slower paced but with a nice rhythm. I kept quiet and enjoyed it. How the piano set the pace, and the saxophones smoothly played the melody. The other instruments perfectly blending in.

There was no dance floor. This was a bar to relax in, have dinner here. Not to dance all night long. A different type of bar. I'd rather be here over the one back in Sehun's hometown. Might be the jazz band. Might be the whisky, I just love it here. So peaceful, the lighting perfect. No men dancing so close to me that I have to worry about it. But at the same time no Jennie and much less the girl. I had Haseul by my side. I can trust ber. She's fun and easy going. Yet, I'm not fulfilled.

"You like jazz?" Haseul asked, making it sound like some statement. Still taking no sip of the whiskey even though she loved it.

"It sounds nice" I say.

"It's here every Saturday" she mentioned. We went silent "you haven't been taking your pills"

I faced her finding a sincere smile on her face, her eye brows knowingly raised. In defeat, I sighed and shook my head. Avoiding her motherly eyes. Feeling as if I might be scolded by her. "I don't know why you need them, but you do. The more you take them, the quicker you'll be able to get rid of them Roseanne" adding my name to the end of the sentence really pulled it together.

"I know" was all I could say.

She placed her hand on my shoulder and lightly squished it. "You're not sick" I gave her a small smile. That's everything I wanted to hear. But the more I hear others say it, the less I can believe it. It's like they're trying to make me believe it, as if I truly was sick. I know I'm not. I'm not sick. "You can tell me what it is"

I knew that was the reason we met, to gain my trust and have me tell her. I can't blame her, after all she's trying to help. But maybe I thought that she actually wanted to befriend me. "I've been diagnosed here and there" I shrugged, not knowing what else to say. I didn't want to tell her. Admitting it makes it even more real than it has to be. Even if she is my doctor, I don't want to see her that way today.

"I have that, Doctor Kim sent it to me the second you were transferred to me. PTSD, Medical depression and the most common, anxiety. There's nothing wrong with that. According to your reports you were off the meds after you turned 14 and never needed them again. You were doing fine. And suddenly, ten years later you're on them again." I hated how she knew everything. My whole past and present is written down in files. Any doctor can get to my history. To them, I'm just another patient with stupid problems.

"It's not like I want to" I sounded like a child at the doctor's office, whining. Keeping my head low, "I hate it"

"I know you do" her hand stayed on my shoulder. The music seemed to have been drowned out. My eyes looked at the cleaned bar counter, no finger print stains spotted. So well polished, I could see my saddened face expression in it's reflection. "But you need it"

I hummed along then turned my back to her, facing the jazz band. Being aware of just how disrespectful this made me look but I didn't want to talk about it. "Can I get you ladies anything to eat?" A man asked on the other side of the counter.

"Yes. I will take a basket of wings, traditional and medium hot. You Roseanne?" Haseul was quick to order. Almost as if she had been waiting.

"I'm alright" I smiled. Being hungry but being unaware of the menu.