The Butterfly Cliff

Butterfly Cliff

December 11, 2006

I can't keep living this way, knowing he was with her. Our sweet baby being lowered into the cold ground. I was thirty four weeks pregnant when we heard the most gutting news of my thirty years, "I'm so sorry there is no heartbeat." I can still hear my own screams filling the room. I remember calling my husband over and over. it was just a routine appointment how is Sarah gone? Why isn't he answering me? Our world is crumbling and he doesn't even know. It was four hours before he returned my call, I numbly walked the shore dreading the return to the hospital at eight that night. I would have to birth our still sleeping baby, silent into the world, the cruel unfair world. Another reminder he was with her while my heart was shattered. If only my sister hadn't saw them at the local mall, walking hand in hand, smiling, laughing all while our daughter was dead in my womb.

Being admitted to birth Sarah was a blur, heartache and anger. My child is gone, her father was with another woman. I requested my sister only to be in the room as I brought my sleeping girl earth side. It was her who helped me through the hardest time of my life. Jonathon walked in six hours later, tears streaming down his face, blaming work for missing the horrid news of her loss even though I knew the truth. Rachel was more important than me, his wife of fifteen years, the grieving mother of his daughter, the woman who stood by him during his first deployment. The woman who supported the switch to reserves "for our family." Where he met Rachel the chatty red head in his unit. 

December 13,2006

Today we buried Sarah. Today my child was placed into the ground and butterflies were released. Part of me died that day. Just as much as handing Jonathon divorce papers only hours after her burial, sitting in our living room in front of the doors over looking the ocean. Waves lapped and my world lapped right out to sea with the waves.

Jonathon packed his bags and left for NC within two hours, heading to his fathers for the week. All while thinking I'll change my mind, I'm grief ridden, he thinks this too shall pass. He just doesn't know, I know about her. He doesn't know what waits for him at his fathers house. He doesn't know the gift bag I packed for his father will reveal in depth his affair, photos, texts, emails for the world to see.

Now, I walk the shore of butterfly cliff, my reason to live gone. Gone like the butterfly's we released, gone like my daughter, like my marriage and the only man I have ever loved. So I jumped.

Calmness washing over me, ocean breeze blowing my hair, down, down into nothingness.