his dearest friend | fyolai

"what had once been his worst fear"

Nonetheless, Nikolai talked. He talked a lot, about the most various topics, and Fyodor never failed to listen. Both because it was the price he had decided to pay, and also because he wanted it as bad as Nikolai did.

Fyodor quickly learned that Nikolai had a tormented soul. He dreamed of something he couldn't have, which led him to a massive spiral of self-destruction. In fact, Nikolai was convinced that the less human he would become, the more free he would be. Fyodor found that mindset absolutely fascinating.

The first time he'd met Nikolai, Fyodor had thought of him as an angel. Now, he knew that Nikolai was the type of angel who had fallen from heaven and could only dream of the happiness he once knew.

Fyodor understood Nikolai. He even admired him. His thought process was so complex that Fyodor couldn't help but adore Nikolai's mind. Which led to adore Nikolai himself. Which led to another feeling, the complete helplessness that tied Fyodor to the man.

Ancient Greeks would have called this feeling agape. The deepest dedication to a person, to the point that they could do anything to you and you would still be desperate for their happiness.

Fyodor felt this way about Nikolai, and yet he refused to acknowledge the existence of it. He couldn't allow himself to be tied by feelings for a man who was already dead.

He knew Nikolai had died. Even if Fyodor wasn't sure about how many days he'd spent in prison, the other Decay's members were certainly working to continue their plan, which included Nikolai's death at the very beginning of it.

This way Fyodor forced himself to stop thinking about Nikolai every time. A day didn't pass without Nikolai crossing his mind, and every time Fyodor shut it down.

Nikolai was dead. Fyodor was in prison. The man whom he had adored like the better extension of himself couldn't be there for him anymore.

The sadness and grief that Fyodor had gotten used to were suddenly interrupted the day a new prisoner was transferred in the cell in front of his. Even he hadn't been able to hide his shock when he'd discovered that the identity of his new cellmate was none other than Osamu Dazai himself, his long term rival. At the very least, he would have kept Fyodor's mind entertained.

From that day on, their conversations had been various. They talked about the meals they were served, the cells, the guards, but other frequent topics were the Decay of Angels' goals, the Armed Detective Agency's response, the destiny of the world.

Fyodor had felt like he'd lost a battle when he had to tell Dazai everything about Sigma, but luckily it didn't matter if Dazai knew the Decay's plan. He was just as trapped in that prison as Fyodor was, so it wouldn't make any difference even if Dazai were to figure out the whole scheme.

He had to admit, conversing with Dazai was kinda fun.

But one day, someone interrupted them.

"I can't take this room anymore!" Dazai announced, with a loud sigh.

Fyodor was eating breakfast and he didn't even raise his eyes from the plate. He was still salty about the culinary choices of the chef.

"Why'd you do this to a raw egg during breakfast..." he mumbled.

Dazai frowned and kept complaining.

"It was fun in the beginning, but now I'm so tired of talking with you." Dazai added. Then he stared right into Fyodor's eyes.

"Is it almost time to do 'that'?"

Now Fyodor was really interested. He gazed back at Dazai.

"What's 'that'?" he asked.