If I could tell you || Chanlix

09

"Hot chocolate, coming." She giggled while I rushed myself to the kitchen to prepare her snacks and make her chocolate drink.

I went back to the living room after a while, a hot chocolate and a small plate of cookies in my hands. "Here you go," I offered her.

Ryujin giggled, and I sat beside her. "How are you?" I asked this time.

She stared at me for a brief second and spoke, "So you want me to be honest or would you want to hear the sugar-coated excuse I made on my way here for this certain question?" We both giggled at that. I reached for her hands and slightly squeezed them with mine, "I'd like to hear the truth, please." I answered.

She stopped for a second, her gaze straight into my eyes. "I missed you," she gently spoke. "I am feeling a lot better now, but I still miss you, Felix." With that, I smiled.

This is breaking me. How genuine and pretty she looks in front of me, I couldn't stop myself from reaching for her face, brushing her hair to the side that was blocking her face. "You are doing everything just fine, Ryujin. I'm glad to know that you're feeling at least better now," I answered, which made her hum in agreement.

"I actually came here to tell you that I'm moving to New York," my eyes widened as I looked at her, surprised. "Really?"

"Yes. I figured I have to leave or I'll be stuck having thoughts of getting back with you. I just can't get rid of thoughts of you, Lix. I remember you everywhere I go, but I don't really want myself to end up running back to you because I was the one who suggested us to break up, and I want you to be happy."

"Ryujin, if my happiness is the reason why you're leaving, you don't need to do that. If you're doing something, please do it for yourself. Do it because you want it and not because of me. You've already done enough for me."

"I know. I'm choosing myself right now, Felix. That's what I want you to see, that's why I came here. I'm happy for letting you go, I just miss you sometimes. You know my love for you will never change; we can't deny the fact that I once dreamed of us marrying someday. Our love for each other brought us here, in what we are today and what we have. I want to show you that I am okay and I'd like to move forward for my own, and get the dream job I always wanted to have but couldn't have because of certain circumstances, but I can now, though. I just want to let you know because I know this is what exactly what you want for me," she lovingly smiled, tightening her hold on my hands, making me return the smile on hers.

"I am so proud of you. I'm happy to know that you're moving forward," I happily said. It's true, I'm happy for her. Honestly, it feels like she's moving forward while I, instead of moving forward or at least just staying, ended up moving backward in life so I'm really proud of her.

"Now, I want you to be honest too. How are you these days, really?" Now it was her time to ask me the same question. I pause for a second, thinking of what exactly should I tell her because for sure she'll probably get mad once she hears all the silly stuff I've been doing this entire time we broke up.

I mean, no one probably likes to know how your straight ex-boyfriend ended up having an affair with his guy best friend, who is by the way an engaged man, right? And to top it all, she's friends with his fiancée.

"If I'll be honest, I'm not really in the best situation either. But, I'm trying to figure things out and make things better for me. Aside from that, I'm okay; the job is still as busy as ever." I answered. She gave me a worried gaze but still tried to smile reassuringly, "Take care of yourself, Felix. Please, don't make me regret letting you go."

I looked at her admiringly, seeing her now makes me realise how undeserving I was for her love; she's just so genuine. I am grateful she broke up with me. "Your heart will heal in time; you'll forget about me eventually and open your heart to someone that is much more deserving of your love. I've been thinking of this for some time now, but I realised how undeserving I was for your love and attention; you deserve so much better, Ryujin. I'm really relieved that you're moving forward," I spoke, giving her a small smile, but she returned it with a worried gaze.

Ryujin reached for my hands and slightly squeezed them, "I let go of you to give you freedom to do things that would make you happy. I let go of you to chase your happiness, Felix. Seeing you right now doesn't make me feel good about my decision now. Your eyes speak louder than what you think they would; please be happy for me, please be happy for yourself and move forward just like what you want me to do. Toughen up, move forward, and be happy. I want you to choose yourself and your happiness because I chose that for you as well over anything else. Choose yourself," said Ryujin, all serious and worried visible on her face. I don't know what I did to deserve her even just as a friend now.

This is when I realised how lucky I was to be once hers. I feel undeserving of her love, but I'm really lucky to have a spot in her heart after all I've done. Choose yourself. It's such a simple phrase but carries so much meaning.

Ryujin and I stayed on the couch, talking about both our plans, especially hers once she's in New York, until I heard the door of my flat click, implying someone arrived. Footsteps neared them until finally, a voice called out, making both me and Ryujin look in his direction, "Felix?" He called out.

Shit.

2024.02.29
strayradish_