If I could tell you || Chanlix

09

But we're a million worlds apart
And I don't know how I would even start

* * *

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month of hiding and lying. Yes, we've already reached this far, a month of crap and nonsense, a month of mixed happiness and sadness.

Chan went back to Busan with Soyeon Noona, while I kept myself busy at work. I'll probably get a raise at this point, honestly.

If you were to ask me how I felt now that we've already reached this far, well, I guess I felt crap. I still feel like crap. First of all, Chan is not with me; he's in fucking Busan with his fiancée, and the only time we could meet is when he has to drive Soyeon Noona home to visit her parents. That's kinda a good thing because she usually visits twice a week. However, that doesn't give the assurance of Chan hanging out with me because Soyeon Noona's family really likes Chan; they always want him with them.

Secondly, the fact that he lives with her — his fucking fiancée — really pisses the shit out of me. No, I never hated Noona; she's really kind, sweet, and very talented, but the fact that she has him, I don't know, I just hate that fact. Lastly, I hate that every time Chan is here, he has to leave shortly.

This is hard. I really want to be with him, but I can't. The only thing that makes this thing a lot easier is because everyone knows that we're friends, we're best friends, so no one would suspect. It's a big convenience that we can still be seen by anyone being together, but having the title of being his best friend hurts. People think that we're just friends, but we're not actually in that kind of relationship anymore, and I hate being limitedly addressed to that category.

But of course! What could I do? I'm still the fucking side whore, I'm still the secret lover, I'm still the one that would look like the desperate bitch that forced himself onto a guy that is already taken, let alone, a bloody engaged dude. I'm still the bad guy.

So, yes. I don't feel good about anything even knowing his feelings for me. It doesn't really make anything good. I feel relieved that he likes me back, but I feel horrible doing this whole thing. Am I too desperate? Am I selfish?

I'm so used to being the goody-two-shoes guy, and this situation is just breaking my heart and mind, everything. Am I doing this right? Or am I just really trying to make myself feel better by thinking that Chan likes me and not Soyeon Noona anymore? Am I just trying to deny my wrongdoings? I really don't know; I am so conflicted.

I was having a battle in my head when I heard my doorbell ringing. I stood up immediately; this must be Chan. He texted me that he'll be here today.

Quickly, I opened the door wide, expecting to see Chan only to be greeted by a wide, beautiful smile from a very beautiful lady whom I hadn't seen for quite a long time now. "Ryujin, what brings you here?" I greeted, mirroring the same wide smile to welcome her.

"I just thought if you won't mind me hanging around for a bit? If it's okay," she shyly asked. I opened the door even wider and gestured for her to come in. "You are very much welcome," I said as she entered the room.

We walked inside my house, going directly to the couch like we normally do when we were still together. Will she take long? What if Chan arrived and she's still here? What do I tell Chan?

"I haven't heard from you for a while," she cut my train of thought as she started a conversation with me.

"Been busy with work. Would you like coffee or your favourite, hot chocolate?" I asked her. A smile formed on her face then answered, "You pick for me, whatever you think would make me happy to have," she answered, smiling.