Through her eyes

Chapter 4: Cheap love

I could not tell you what exactly led her to her laptop that day. But I can tell you why she felt the need to write at that particular moment. 

The sky was grey, clouds pouring snow down all around but the inside of the house was warm and joyful. Everything was going on without a hitch, for once she could not feel the depression weighing her down. Smiles came naturally and a few small laughs left her lips as well. 

It happened as it always did, one moment the man was fine and the next he was replaced by a monster, no warmth left in his voice, a fierce rage burning in his eyes. It only took a second to replace the father she loved with the monster that turned her thoughts against her. The bliss was over, the illusion broken, a tidal wave of intrusive thoughts and numbness broke through her defences. It made her feel worthless every time it appeared, it made her believe that she was the problem, it brought forth a desire in her to bleed herself of her sins, no, this was not her father. Or maybe it was, what did she know of the world?

He didn't know, of course he didn't know, what would he have done other than yelled at her again. She loved him and she wanted her kids to grow up with a grandfather but she knew she couldn't stay with him any longer than she had to. Part of her would always be attached to him, your heart doesn't forget but she knew she couldn't let him keep tearing apart what little happiness she could find. She couldn't keep holding onto the cheap love that once meant everything to her. This was her life, hers to live and hers to govern, not his. So why was it so hard to let go?