positions (Ariana Grande/You)

10. if i love you, is 'us' completely off the table

'I can't tell you, probably for the same reasons why she didn't.' You replied.

Honest to God, you two are the same.

Anyway, you need to fix this. So I'm officially inviting you to her birthday party.

I'll text you the details closer to the date.

-

In June, when you started feeling more like a person instead of a shell, you continued therapy again. Even if it was ironic that you should have gone when you were feeling empty.

"So, the friend of the person you confessed to invited you to their birthday on their behalf." Dr. Martin summarized. She scribbled onto her notepad after your confirmation, looking back up when she was done. "Are you planning to go?"

"I was going to ask you if I should, Doc." You confessed. While you know your therapist would never give you a definitive answer, because that was not how it worked, the question was what prompted you to attend this week's session after postponing it for weeks.

Dr. Martin closed her notepad and placed it on the table, directing all of her attention to you. "What are your biggest concerns about going? She waited for you to form your thoughts, patient even when seeing you visibly struggling to voice them out. "What are you thinking of?"

At her prompt, your worries spilled out of you.

"What if she doesn't want me there? What if seeing me makes her realize that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, that she is better off without me? What if seeing her makes me realize that I still have feelings for her?"

Each thought felt like a bullet, and your lungs felt like it was being filled with water and you can't-

"Breathe with me. In. Out." You let the sound of Dr. Martin's breathing guide you along. "Better?"

You exhaled shakily and nodded.

"Let's address them one by one, shall we?" With your consent, she continued. "While you can't possibly know how she will feel with you being there at her party, how do you think she would feel, realistically?"

"I think she wouldn't kick me out, at the very least." You managed to joke a little, to lift your own spirits. "She did want us to continue being friends."

"Well, that seems to answer the second concern of yours, doesn't it?" Dr. Martin pointed out.

"That's true, but there would still be a possibility that she might not want that anymore." You sighed. "We haven't spoken in more than four months."

"Why haven't you?"

"I told her I needed some time."

Dr. Martin nodded along. "That's good, knowing that you needed time to heal. And that ties in with the last issue. You are worried that you didn't have enough time to move on, and seeing her at her party would only reset it, aren't you?"

"Yes." You admitted. "You knew how long it took me to get over my ex."

"I do, I even remember you said, and I quote 'the internet says half the time you were in love with them, but since you never do what other people say, it takes you twice as long.'

You gave her a half-smile. "Word for word, Doc."

"So how long will it take for this one?"

You couldn't really pinpoint exactly when you had fallen for Ariana, since every moment spent with her felt like a gradual accumulation of your feelings. But if you were counting your crush as one, then it's right from the start. That was in September, last year, about nine months ago. If you subtracted the past four months and multiplied by two, it meant that it would take almost an entire year to get over something that wasn't even supposed to be a thing.