Mr. & Mrs.Bateman

Lunch

"And I was thinking about re-trying the Waldorf salad. Remember how bad it was at my Christmas party that year? Patrick, I hope you ordered the gold tablecloths."
I slipped a couple Xanax into my mouth. I would need the whole bottle before Evelyn was done with her list. This is how every car ride to some over-priced restaurant was: she would go on and on about things she wanted and I would try to drown her out with some new tape I picked up.
"Sweetie, take it easy on the meds. We're meeting my parents in half an hour." She smiled.
"Why do you think I'm taking them?"
"Oh don't be such a grouch, Patrick. Besides, they always treat you with the utmost respect."
"Yes, but you know how I feel about family gatherings," I looked at her and sarcastically smiled, "darling."
She placed a cold hand on top of mine. I jerked her hand away. "New watch!" I interjected.
"Right, right, I'm sorry." She said, putting her hands up in surrender.

The driver pulled to the curb and opened the door for us. Evelyn stepped out first and straightened her dress. I came out after her and she made sure my suit was straight and my cuffs were slightly showing. I waved her away. Any other time I would have tried to look nice, but I hated Evelyn's parents. It always seems like they're kissing up to me or judging me for something they didn't know about. Ironically, we were meeting her parents in the same restaurant I broke it off with Evelyn a little under two years ago. We were seated in the opposite section of that table where I drew the picture of the girl with a chainsaw sticking out of her back in crayon on the wax paper they lay out for kids.

"Oh, Patrick!" Evelyn's mother exclaimed and gave me a hug. "Evelyn!" She hugged her daughter. "It's so wonderful to see you two again!"
"Hello, Pat," her father gave me a firm handshake.
"Hello, Mr.Williams." I said in a reluctant tone. Evelyn elbowed me.
"Hi, daddy!"Evelyn gave her father a quick hug.
"Hi, sweetheart." She gave him an equally quick kiss on the cheek.
I gestured Evelyn into her chair and then I sat myself down, next to her. The waitress placed four waters with lemon down in front of each of us and said she would be back later to take our drink orders. I took a sip of my water.
"So, any plans for a family yet?" Her mother asked.
I put my water down, coughing. "Jesus!" I said, still choking on the water.
"Patrick!" Evelyn was more worried about my response than me choking.
"It's alright, darling. It was quite straightforward of me to ask." Mrs.Williams countered.
"I'll say!" I laughed.
"Patrick?" I was making Evelyn nervous.
"Yes, dearest?" I said, sarcastically.
"Mom, Patrick and I really haven't talked about it. He's been so busy at work since we've been married and I've been busy planning this upcoming Christmas party." Evelyn countered.
"You've been married for a year, Evelyn." Her mother reminded her.
"I know, but Wall Street isn't a forgiving career." She tried to defend me.
"What about you? You've been quiet." Evelyn's father referred to me.
"Evelyn's right. My job doesn't allow time for serious discussions." I took another nervous sip of water.
"Maybe you could fit it in on a day off." Her mother suggested.
"Will you excuse me? I need to use the restroom." I excused myself from the table.
"Oh, honey, what drink do you want me to order for you?" Evelyn inquired.
"Whatever you're having," I told her so I could quickly get away from the table.

I looked at myself in the restroom mirror. I was sweating. I grabbed a paper towel and dabbed at my forehead. Then, I artistically fixed my hair back to the way it was. I checked my watch, wondering if I had enough time to leave and come back before they ordered the entrée. I'm not going to risk it. I took a deep breath in and walked back out into the main area. Evelyn and her parents were deep in conversation.

"I hope I didn't miss anything terribly important." I smiled, rejoining the table.
"No, we were just discussing Evelyn's plans for this Christmas party next month. You have to be excited about that." Evelyn's father informed.
"Patrick isn't a big Christmas kind of guy, daddy," Evelyn assured her father.
"He's not?! Why don't you like Christmas, Pat? It's the jolliest season of the year!" Her father again.
"He thinks it's an excuse for big corporations to make money." She rolled her eyes.
"I can speak for myself, Evelyn." I sipped whatever drink it was she ordered for me.
"That's an interesting view." Her mother wondered aloud.

I excused myself from the table again. I went back to the bathroom to get away from them. I passed the waitress on the way there and stopped her. She was average height for a woman, with long curly, brown hair in a pony tail, and her nails painted red.
"Hey, I'm sitting at that table" I pointed towards Evelyn and her parents," I'm going to the bathroom to get away from the in-laws. You know how that goes." I giggled and so did she. "I was wondering how much money you would accept for me to fuck you in the bathroom." I smiled still, but her's disappeared. "It'll only be about fifteen minutes." She looked out towards everyone else in deep thought, then back at me.
"Only fifteen minutes?" She inquired for clarification.
I shrugged, "Give or take."
"Ok. How about two hundred?"
"Wow, you're cheap." I giggled and handed her the cash. I walked into the restroom behind her. "Last stall," I directed her. She went in and I closed and locked it behind her. I started unbuckling my belt and she pulled her underwear down and her skirt up. "No, take them both off." I commanded.
"It'll be easier to just pull them down."
"Off." I demanded.
She sighed and pulled her skirt and underwear off.
"While you're at it, just take everything off."
Again, she reluctantly took off the rest of her clothing. As soon as she was done, I grabbed her by the hair and bent her over the toilet.

Ten minutes later, the waitress ran out of the bathroom crying. Her hair was soaking wet and she was choking up water between sobs. I gave her an extra two hundred to keep quiet. I straightened my tie and waited five minutes before walking out. I rejoined the table.
"Sorry, I got into quite the discussion." No one seemed to care. A different waiter came to our table and took our plates.

•

I sat in bed, looking at a porn magazine that I disguised by putting an innocent magazine over. Evelyn was in the bathroom brushing her hair. The TV blared some political debate channel.
"Patrick?"
"Hmm?"
"I think my parents are right."
"About?"
She looked at me and rolled her eyes. "We should discuss having kids."
"Evelyn."
"What?" She asked sweetly.
I looked back at the magazine, "I can't do it."
"Why not?"
"We're not going to discuss this now, Evelyn."
"At least give me a reason w-"
"Not now!" I said sternly, cutting her off.
"Patrick, I'm getting really tired of you telling me not to do something without any reason."
"I'm tired of you bitching at me all the time without ever putting out! You know you have to actually fuck me for that to happen!"
She continued to brush her hair. "I think we would make great parents."
"What makes you think I'd be a good father. Have you met mine?"
"Your father isn't that bad."
I flipped the page of the magazine.