My biggest secret

Blown Fuse

12/23/2022

Hey guys I know it has been a while since i updated this story.  I haven't really been in the mood for writing lately.

     My sister came home from school this past Monday and I'm so over it  She's going to be home for 2 weeks lucky me.... -_-  She's such a bitch and loves trying to force her stupid Christian beliefs on me.  You see, growing up my mom forced us to go to church with her.  I believe in science which unlike religion can be backed up with reliable evidence and factual information.  Religion on the other hand only has this book that god supposedly wrote according to Christians.  When in reality even after nearly 2,000 years of its existence, and centuries of investigation by biblical scholars, we still don't know with certainty who wrote its various texts, when they were written or under what circumstances it was written.  "The bible says Jesus was real."  Is what nearly any brainwashed Christian will tell you.  Following that logic, if Jesus spoke to you and told you to jump off a bridge would you?  Of course you wouldn't since most people value their lives.  Some Christian's blinders are honed in so well that the would jump without a second thought.  To me all religions are a cult especially Christianity  Most of the 2 faced,shady, hypocritical people I've ever met are following and believe this cult.  Surely this can't be a coincidence.

     Currently as I'm writing this it is -3 F outside and it feels even colder outside with the wind.  Hell there's like 2 in of ice covering my fucking window behind my bed XD.  I would love to live somewhere warm year round but not hot as fuck ( aka 80 F +).  

Okay ADHD you can fuck off now we need to get back on the train of thought now.  We went out to the closest apple store which happens to be in one of my local malls.  She drove since where she goes to school is in a state that gets a lot of snow.  She loves said school as well as the snow and cold yet she's cold all the time.  I don't get it.  She also met this guy shes seeing on a Christian dating site.  I find this funny because no surprise he's also a fake Christian asshole like she is.  I don't get how someone who is so transparent and shady like she is can already have 2 failed relationships and a new boyfriend ( the guy mentioned above).  I've always wanted to have a boyfriend but I highly doubt there's any trans related sites out there.  Knowing my luck I would be matched with a transphobe or some guy who has a fetish for trans people or hell is a creep in general.  Those are the people that tend to find me in public.  I had a guy in highschool that liked me and still does.  He thinks my femine body is so beautiful and sexy.  He's also a good friend of mine so I don't wanna hurt his feelings by coming out to him.  Especially since he's also depressed and suicidal like I am.  Telling him my big secret would absolutely destroy him.  Being as intelligent as I am is exhausting among other things. (I will come up with a chapter on that topic in the future more than likely)

I have so much going through my head right now and with my sister being home I don't have a quiet place to go and write and recharge my batteries.  So this means 2 weeks of being over stimulated.  This has lead to error code 404 and blown fuses numerous times a day, the hulk coming out, ghost rider wanting to get vengeance, etc.  By now you should get the point I'm trying to make here.  Then again no one around me understands me and that will never change.

Another thing that's beyond irritating is that when my sister is home her and my brother bully me.  My parents are too fucking stupid to pick up on it too.  Hell they're also blinded to the truth.  They buy every little thing that the 2 of them say.  My mom has mentioned to my dad before that she thinks that I'm being bullied by my siblings just like he was when he was growing up.  His siblings would lock him in a hope chest and his older brother would sit on top of it to ensure he couldn't get out.  Funnily enough his daughter from another marriage has that same chest and things its so beautiful.  He of course didn't want to discourage her from having it and neglected to tell her about the horrors behind that chest so to speak.  My siblings have hurt themselves and told my parents that I did it.  They steal my stuff and hide it and talk shit (about me) behind my back and can't look me in the eye.  (If you know the song that I'm referencing here you're awesome).  I'm so over it.  I also started watching 13 reasons why recently.  The tapes are geinus!  Those kids deserve to feel like shit for the things that they did to Hanah (Think that's how she spelled it.  Can't remember at the moment just finished episode 1)  If I ever got to the point that my suicidal thoughts won and I decide to act on them I would be tempted to do something clever like this.  To all the cunts out there who think that that show glorified suicide it totally fucking doesn't.  I've seen the original uncensored version of her suicide on youtube, they should've kept it in the show instead they edited it out because of all the snowflakes complaining how graphic it is.  Well news flash life is shitty and isn't always wrapped up in pretty paper with a bow on top.  We need to talk about the topic of mental health and suicide.  It isn't something that can be just swept under the rug like it never existed because chances are you know someone who is suicidal and or depressed.  The signs are there, don't ignore them and don't make fun of them for trying to express themselves.  Schools try to discourage people from forming clicks and similar groups when in actuality this is beneficial and helps people make friends and find others within their group that have similar interests as them.  When we were all in school we knew which kids were the ones that were assholes, which ones were the popular kids, which ones were the socially awkward ones, which ones were the nerds, etc.  So with that being said, it blows my mind as to why adults don't want students hanging out with kids that have similar interests as them.  If you're all sharing a common interest bullying should be less likely to occur with group members.  Now, other groups will bully groups different from them that's just part of life.  However, your click members will back you up.  If not then they aren't really your friends.  You can tell who is fake and who isn't by the way they act.  It's not that difficult to do either.

On a more positive note, I made a new friend on the internet via tumblr and they are amazing!  We help each other cope with our trauma the best we can.  I have also become obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch!  That man is so talented and is so hot like good lord.  Sophie Hunter is one lucky lady that's for sure.  Then again I get the feeling that Ben is secretly Bi.  I would like to include something related to him and or Dr. Strange in my name as well when I am able to legally change my name.  If you have any ideas drop them down below in the comments.  

That's all for now.  Have a merry Christmas, hopefully yours isn't gonna be full of bullshit and such like mine is.  I can't stand the holidays and being around all of these assholes that share blood with me.  However, until I can find a good paying job with benefits I am unable to leave this hell I'm living in.  I'm working part time at my current job, if I went full time I would be even more depressed and mentally drained than I am now.  Not to mention that its a day shift job and I'm a night owl no matter how hard I force myself to try and get up early in the morning.  Running on 3 hours of sleep if I'm lucky 3 days a week also isn't the healthiest thing in the world either XD.