The Secret Life Of A British Rockaholic

9

Time stopped as I gazed upon the sweaty silhouette which the warm August sun cast upon my knight in shining armor. Yup he was. Prince charming sailing the wonderful sea of life, well... wonderful for him because he has money to keep him afloat but me? My boat is still being made, and I have no idea what its going to be shaped like... I really hope it's as big as a convoy... maybe not a convoy since my independence is more important than to avoid getting a few canon holes in me, but definitely as big as a ship!

"Well, it's just you and me now Ashley" I told the strings despairingly. I plucked a string hesitantly then sighed. It's just not the same... I looked at the empty crisp wrapper which once contained exactly 32.5g of smoky bacony heavenliness. I probably shouldn't have done that though, it was quite triggering -- actually, it was very triggering because the next thing I knew was my head hovering the toilet bowl while staring at picture of Twiggy in her youth on the toilet tank. I was two fingers deep in stomach acid when I thought I can't believe I'm sinking this low. But then I had a peek at my thighs, Satchel, I'm doing this for you... And my thighs!

I was mesmerized in the thought: I'll be Twiggy one day! Even if it costs my stinkin' hell called 'life'. I was kind of getting angry there but then I remembered Satchel. Suddenly I heard the most horrifying noise I've ever heard.

"Who stole my condoms?!" I heard Shannon's screech from across the house. Then about two seconds later she was banging on the bathroom door.

"I know you're in there!"

Ok, ok, what do I do? I quickly sprung to my feet and ran the tap. I grabbed a bottle of air freshener and started spraying it vigorously while I tried to gargle the puke smell out of mouth. I opened the windows wide, flushed the toilet, and wiped the tears out of my eyes that gathered during my attempt at getting thin.

I took one last glance at myself in the mirror before opening the door, I still looked like the healthy, innocent virgin girl I was before the summer happened to me.

"Where are my condoms?" Shannon said barging in.

"Gee, I don't know red head, maybe they got dangled up in your curls" I said frustratedly.

"You stole them! While nobody was home!" Her face exploded with a smile.

I wasn't quite sure why her stare was so full of evil joy. I looked down shamefully at my feet.

"I knew it! you've been having sex in mum and dad's absence! Oh, wait till they hear about it!" She said as she ran for her phone.

"Wait!" I said as I clasped my finders around her wrist, pulling her hand away from the device, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I just happened to get a hernia while carrying grandma's stuff down her attic while helping her to move so I came home to see a doctor, but luckily for me I met this amasingly cute guy on the train home and just as I was about get it off with him in my room, I realise that somebody has been nicking my protection"

"Um... just a quick question: what about your hernia?" I asked

"Oh, on the train I realised it just happens to be that time of the month and the pain was just a couple of cramps. I'm fine!" She exclaimed

"Okay... So you're having period sex then?"

"Of course! No time like the week I can't get pregnant!"

 I shook my head upon hearing my sister's disgusting habits but decided it was best left alone. "Alright, just one last thing: please don't tell them!" I dropped onto my knees begging her.

"Why?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. I have always known that my sister was somewhat dim but now I could actually see the emptiness between her ears. I patted her shoulders.

"Well, after you, mum and dad are kind of hoping that I will stay celibate until I go to uni so that they can be sure I will actually get in... Please don't ruin their dreams, they will really hate both of us then"

She thought for a bit more than a moment... to be honest it was 5 minutes.

"You're right, it's better if they only hate you" she said.

I wanted to argue but then, let her think what she wants, I know the truth.

She ran to her room and soon I saw mystery train guy sadly leave her bedroom. First one she ever said no to, and it wasn't for morals either; she was just too much of a ditz to realise she could have just asked for her condoms back.

I walked back to my room and switched on my laptop. Nope, nothing on facebook, nor twitter, nor... my emails? First time something interesting came on there!

Half written chapter I never published. Trying to get back into this fic.