forKING&COUNTRY: Shoulders

Shoulders: Part Two

Courtney reached out and took his hand gently. "Let's just start with this one. Jude, honey, will you bring me the scrapes ointment we made? In the blue tin?" She crouched at Joel's bedside and offered him a smile. His dark eyes drifted across her face vacantly. She sighed and touched his cheek. "Joel..."

He looked down at her, startled traces of pain leaking into his eyes through the medication Luke had broken down and finally given his brother late last night. Exhaustion was etched into every line of his face. "Courtney?"

Several replies sprang to her lips but she immediately discarded all of them: 'you look terrible, are you okay, hey wake up'--"Are you hungry?" She asked instead.

Joel shook his head and looked down at his bandaged arms. When the plane had crashed four days ago—had it really only been four?--he'd flailed his way through the wreck of shattered glass and twisted metal with a concussion that had sent him stumbling thorugh the woods, disoriented and alone.

When the rescuers arrived twelve hours later, they'd found him wandering miles from the crash, screaming Moriah's name, blood drenching his clothes.

They told Luke it was a miracle he'd survived.

Joel wasn't so sure.

He watched dully as Jude crept into the room, a tin of homemade remedies clutched in one hand. Courtney carefully unwound the bandages from Joel's arms and inspected his wounds. She pursed her lips, a frown touching her smooth forehead. "These should've at LEAST scabbed over by now, I think." She murmured. Jude leaned in after casting a wary glance at Joel's face. He looks so much like Luke, Joel realized miserably.

Courtney gently touched the edge of a jagged cut on his forearm and bit the inside of her cheek. "Maybe you should go see the doctor again. I don't know why they're--"

"It's fine." Joel leaned forward to take the tin from Jude's hand. The ointment stung his lacerated fingers as he spread it over his arms. The soothing smell of herbs drifted through the room; Jude smiled in spite of himself and closed his eyes. "It doesn't matter."

Courtney frowned again. "They're not healing like they're supposed to. That matters a lot. If they don't--"

Joel clumsily rewound the bandages with one hand, tension needling his shoulders. "I said it's FINE." The words came out in a near snarl. Jude flinched and instinctively looked to his mother.

Courtney chewed her lower lip and searched Joel's face for some clue as to how she should respond. Ordinarily she would've clapped back with her sharp wit and tongue and Joel would've done the same. But now that Moriah was gone? "Okay." She sighed. She rose and dusted her knees off absently. "But at least come get some breakfast? I'm sure Luke's got something ready by now."

Joel shook his head again. "I'm not hungry." His gaze strayed to the window, the deep brown dulled by the pain once more.

Courtney steered Jude into the kitchen with a gently hand on his shoulder. "C'mon, buddy."

Luke exchanged a silent conversation with Courtney's eyes; he sighed and ran a hand along his jawline. Leo cooed and tugged at his shirt, oblivious to the shadows of worry that crept across his fathers face.

I'll go talk to him, Luke mouthed to his wife. He handed Phoenix a plate of breakfast and padded into the guest room.

Joel still sat where Courtney had left him, his vacant faze fixed on the window, his shredded hands splayed uselessly in his lap. The blatant brokenness of his posture frightened Luke. Joel had always been so proud, so careful to carry himself with all the dignity he could muster...

But now he looked absolutely defeated. Luke swallowed hard and lowered himself onto the bed beside his older brother. "Hey," he murmured uncertainly. Leo tucked his fingers into his tiny mouth and stared up at Joel with quiet contentment.

Joel dropped his eyes to the floor. "Hey," he whispered. His brow knotted itself into lines of pain that Luke would've sacrificed anything to erase.

He laid a hand on Joel's shoulder impulsively. "Joel, I know you better than anyone else. YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THIS. I know you're grieving and that's perfectly okay but you've gotta--"

"Stop." Joel shook his head. "I don't want to hear it. Moriah--"

"Moriah would want you to carry on. Can you imagine how upset she'd be to see you like this?" Joel startled, tears springing to his eyes. Luke squeezed his shoulder and lowered his voice to gentler tones. "I know you miss her. And what happened was terrible, but YOU CAN'T GIVE UP. You owe it to her AND yourself. Okay?"

Joel lifted shaking hands to his head. "I...I still hear her, Luke. Every second of the day, I hear her screaming for me. Why couldn't I get loose to help her?" His voice broke as sobs seized control of him once more. "Why?" He buried his face in his hands, shoulders trembling.

Luke leaned over to hug him close. "I don't know," he admitted softly. Leo cuddled into him and whimpered softly, Joel's tears putting him on edge. "But I--"

"It's my fault she fell!" Joel twisted out of his brother's grasp, his dark eyes wild with grief. "She was unbelted so she could sit closer to me! It's my fault!"

"No Joel, you can't--"

"It's my fault..." Joel pounded his fists against his temples and moaned. The guilt in his voice tore Luke's heart to shreds. "All my fault...she's gone...gone..." His body curled in on itself of its own accord as he wept with a level of abandon Luke had never seen in him before.

Leo looked up to his father and mewled pitifully. His chubby hands grasped Luke's shirt for comfort; Luke kissed the top of his head and held him close. "I don't know what to do," he admitted softly, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. "Help me?"

Beside him, Joel sank down among the pillows and clutched his stinging arms to his chest. The room around him became an indecipherable blur as he cried out for Moriah, saw her face torn away from him again and again in a merciless cycle he had no power to stop. He didn't DESERVE for it to stop. He'd killed Moriah.