Deliverance | Draco Malfoy

Seventeen

Just like everything always does.

I didn't know I was crying.

Not even crying— because no tears had escaped from my eyes yet— but I was sobbing, hard and viciously into the wind. I convinced myself that it was for my friend that needed me by his side downstairs in the dungeons. But even then, that was all my fault, too. How could I be the thing he needs when I've managed to ruin his life, too?

I felt like such a shitty person on the inside and out. I was a horrible girlfriend that lied and went behind her significant other's back for my own pleasures. A disgrace for a daughter, that disappointed my father each time I breathed, and disappointed my mother that could see what I have become since she was killed. And now, to top off the others, I did the one thing I didn't think I would ever do— I had failed my best friend.

I had failed at keeping Blaise safe, and protecting him from harm like I had always claimed I would do. Keeping him from this life he wanted to stay away from was my goal, but instead he joined because of me.

Everything was always my fault. It always had been. I was bad luck walking on two legs, dispersing the poor outcomes of my own life into the lives of others now.

"You told me you'd quit smoking."

The rooftop creaked under the weight of his feet as he approached me, silent as death himself— I was just his next victim to claim. The space he left between us was an awkward distance as he sat down. Far enough so there was a distance to begin with, but not close enough compared to the space we had invaded in the late hours of last night, and the early hours of this morning.

The unnecessary touches we had shared.

The feeling of our skin when it shocked against each other... I had hoped this was just something my mess of a head was making up to punish me for my fucking sins.

"Well, I suppose that's not really how it went, is it, princess?" He stuck his legs out to stretch them for a second like they were stiff, using the nickname I had only heard from Blaise. "I told you that you should stop smoking them because pretty girls shouldn't smoke cigarettes, and you basically told me to fuck off in as polite of a way as you could." He chuckled to himself with a soft shake of his head, looking back on the memory. I inhaled a deep breath between sobs and felt my anxiety rising more and more as he stayed near me. I tilted my head to the left so I couldn't even see him in my peripheral vision, but his scent was so strong. 

The blonde carefully peeled the cigarette out of my fingers to do with it whatever he saw fit, and I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes now that I no longer held on to the yellow filter that my lips had previously occupied.

Stop fucking crying, Rain.

All you ever do is cry.

You're weak. Pathetic. A sick joke.

No wonder no one ever wants you.

"He's better now. Worn down, but better. You can go see him later tonight when he wakes back up if you wish." Draco's voice was stiff as he tried figuring out a way to get me to relax. I could feel him watching me break down into a million pieces all over again.

I was willing myself to find the strength to keep going on like this. Trying to find a sliver of the goodness Graham used to bring me when I had first started seeing him. But even thoughts of him weren't enough to make me happy anymore. I was desperate enough that I wanted to stand up right now and jump right off the building we sat on.

"It's not your fault, Rook. You didn't cause any of this to happen." I ignored him again and kept my head down against my knees as more and more sobs vibrated my chest and made my lungs feel raw. He's a fucking liar anyway. How could I believe him when he tries to say decent things like that?