I Will. (Urban)

29

Greed and perversion had turned the love we all shared into hate, but murder was a line that I didn't want either of us to cross. I didn't want to stoop to her level-- until we found Rah at Sade's apartment. After that, I only had murder on my mind. But as my rage subsided, I knew I'd never kill anyone forreal. I was just so angry at everything the world had taken from me, I thought that was how I could make things even.

I didn't want anyone in my family to die; I just wanted them to leave me the fuck alone. Rah called me an idiot for that several times, saying that she wouldn't stop trying to kill me unless she were dead. He wanted me to face the fact that she needed to die so I could live, that I couldn't have my cake and eat it too; it was either me or her, and he chose me.

That one choice, the one that should have brought us closer, seems to have driven us apart.

I know he sees it in my eyes, the way they can't meet his, the way I can barely speak to him. And I can see it all over him, having the blood of not one, but two of our family members on his hands.

Bennett may have pulled the trigger that killed Jordan, but it was Raheem who gave the order.

Like I said, men have these weird loyalties to each other, so much so that any deal I had with Bennett could be easily overridden by anything Raheem said.

I told Bennett I wanted to talk to Jordan first, to see where his head was at. I needed answers, and I needed to hear them from him. Bennett seemed to agree, respecting my wishes. We were going to go in and get Sade, then I could ask my questions. Then I could understand why he and our mother hated me so much, I could talk him into surrendering, and the four of us could figure this out.

Jordan wouldn't have killed me or Sade, I thought. When he said he had to kill me, he wouldn't have. It was all talk, an effort to scare me away. That was how I saw it.

But Bennett shot anyway.

I knew it was probably right, that from B's point of view, Jordan was going to kill me. He, too, had no choice. It was a matter of saving my life or letting me die, and we know what he chose. For that, I'll be eternally grateful, same to Raheem for his sacrifice.

But I think there'll always be a part of me that can't accept things as they are. Even as Sade was getting a bullet pulled out of her, even as the pain coursing through me was dismantling every single event that led up to and followed Jordan dying right in front of me, I had my ear pressed to the door, listening as Bennett spoke to my brother who was no longer in a coma, and who hadn't been since earlier that morning.

"I handled it, just like you asked."

"And she doesn't know?"

"Nah. He was dead the moment we walked inside; he just made it easier by threatening her first."

They lied to me, and they don't know that I know. Bennett had no intentions of following my plan or helping me to understand and calm the rage that caused me to abandon Jay and go on this whole revenge crusade. I was never in control, he never respected me, and it was all a lie.

Jordan was going to die regardless of what I did, and I should have known. I talked all that shit about being ready to kill him, but I knew-- and probably Bennett and Rah, too-- that I would never take someone's life. Not even my brother, even if he did disown me and call me unspeakable names. Even if he caused me so much pain, I would not and could not kill him.

So they took care of that for me.

Everything they did was for me. And I was starting to doubt whether I truly deserved any of it.

"Domonique," Raheem called, bringing me back to the present. I still couldn't even make sense of it all.

"Mm?"