MAUDLIN MAWS▪︎Poetry (3)

20. The most gentle effect

This silence is making me wish for life's punch to be more relentless
I'm in fetters; in my room
Shaded under an unclear calling
A subtle hazy fragrance of a dreary pondering
In my cell I smoke all my cigars by the compagnie of my clothes on my flesh; my fostered contempt fudging my worth
Transmuting my ability to blend correctly in equipoize of my integrity and my body.
My aching self on the side of my bed
Stares bleak teeming with void tides of guilt
"Walk out
Leave me be"
This boredom cannot be dimmed with any forlorn outward demeanor
Bluberry lips swollen by the same shrink I heard my mother once whimper_
The day she saw my lime engulfed fingers wretch on my neck
Till I bled every color she liked
She saw me then did nothing of the scene
But understood my father's eyes when they said
I'd  purge your ideals even if it meant I'd have to kill myself_
Self you're done teaching me about generous forgiveness to the wounds of my aggressors
This halting you take to be easy going, warm enough and all heart stuff
Is stuffing the gullet of my glamor with painted amenities
I hardly find satisfying
But a mouth full of lies can only feed on delude sweet-talk
So I cut my tongue
Bleach my tone
With a blade made of my own

A mellow thread of cotton on my shoulders
Cultivating fieriness like a fruit flake from my glands
I think of deluge
Let the tought of spite redress my dignity
Dispute of margarite tears misleading my necessity
I'll take the liberty to be mean
Let it appeal telling with leathers and fires luscious on my cheeks
The most gentle thing capable of a stare that would make you bleed
Finally I'm who I want to be
No longer hurt without a failed longing to call upon but how good my facade looks
Is this what I wanted god to give me ?
Who I want to be ?
A mute burial party without a crowd to sheer me
I wish your cause had a more gentle effect
I wish your partner would take my hand and slip me back to the utterly quiet bed everyone so, so dreads to sleep in

December 20, 2022