... are we in love?

10

eiza's diary

sept. 05

dear yesterday's eiza,

nothing much happened other than going around the city every morning til noon. drinking matcha latte every 7 pm until the café closes. staring at the moon from the window until i fall asleep after updating my parents about my stuff while hugging my stuffed toys named star and moon.

nothing much. really.

but what i've been feeling today... hmm, it's like sometimes i think i already figured everything out and things will go according to my plan once i start making moves, but no, hindi pala gano'n?

i've been dreaming of becoming a teacher since i was twelve. reading books fascinates me so much until it become my second home. volunteering as a sub-teacher during highschool every teachers day fueled it too. i want to help and i always want to learn.

pero ngayon, hindi ko alam. biglang blanko na naman ang isip ko. i wanted to find any volunteer groups i could join for teaching kids pero... hindi ko alam. kanina kinakabahan pa ako habang nagfifill-up ng form. i wanted to call their hotline pero parang napaparalisa ang mga daliri ko para i-press ang dial button. i was thinking about it all day. i really doubt myself i can do it. after taking my masters feeling ko tama na 'yon. pwede na siguro. i can apply for a job and work for the rest of my life but no.

maybe i'm just pushing myself to jump to another chapter kahit hindi pa ako ready. but when will i be ready?

hay. i'm just beyond grateful i have supportive parents. kasi paano kung wala? hindi ko maimagine kung saan ako pupulutin.

anyway, i've been having small conversations with ryan. he's really nice. tatabihan niya ako saglit to check if i'm doing okay or kung oorder ba ako or what. even emon teased us ng, "special treatment?" and ryan laughed it off. i didn't. he was hitting on me since the first day we met.

i noticed him staring at my crochet ring too. do'n ko lang narealize kung bakit "Miss Crochet" ang nabuo niyang nickname for me. interesting how he pays attention to details.

i really like his hair. i swear. earlier while he was sitting beside me and he took his cap off, i was tempted to touch his hair. i wanted to run my fingers thru every strand of his jet black curly hair. how is it possible to take care of your hair that GOOD with all that work sa café? it's impressive. i wish i could ask him to keep his hair down.

still, i won't text him.

whatever this day may bring, i'll just take it.

in awe while lonely and confused,

today's eiza.