Dear Older Siblings

Chapter 1

Living in the shadows of somebody isn't fun, but unfortunately, it's a feeling a lot of people are aware of. Whether that be living in the shadows of a parent, a grandparent, a close friend, or, in my case, an older sibling. 

When you're young, everything you do matters, every event you go to, every award you win, and every song you show interest in, it helps build your character. When these things go unnoticed, or barely celebrated, it's hard for you to build up character, to become your own person, but to everybody else, why should it matter when its already happened to somebody they know? 

This is the issue I want to talk about. Everybody always talks about how the youngest is so spoiled, a brat, never listens to anybody, and never thinks before they speak, and yeah, for a moment, this is how it is, but this ends very quickly, about 4th grade. 5th grade was when I realized that everything I do will have zero meaning to anybody else. 

My first band concert was when this finally seet in. I was so excited to play the clarinet for my parents to hear, but did they show? of course not. My older sister had already done this. My graduation from elementary to middle school? I got a congrats and a hugs, while my older siblings got a post on social media, hundreds of congratulations, hugs, dinners, everything they wanted. They'd already done it.

Then in 6th grade, once COVID hit, i realized I really am not that big of a deal to my family. They didn't care because my siblings had more difficult things, and needed more help then I did, so while I tried to figure out how to do long division, the only person  I got help from was my teacher.

7th and 8th grade went by the same, except so much worse. I lost my friends, my brother had graduated, my grandfather had gotten COVID, my sister had her first boyfriend, first breakup, first surprise hickey, first toxic boyfriend, and finally she had found a guy she liked, hooray for them, right? 

Now im a freshman and i'm pumped, but my self esteem is the lowest it's ever been. I started doing something i enjoyed, color guard, but behold, she did it too, my sister, a senior. Everything I did, i heard the same exact phrase over and over and over again. "You do this just like your sister!" "Wow, you and your sister are like the same person!" "You're like a miniature version of your sister!" 

I realized a while ago i would never be just me, i was always my brothers younger sister, or my sisters younger sister, never just ME. I would never be known in marching band for being good at guard, I would be known in marching band because my sister was good at guard. I wouldn't be known in choir as a good singer, I would be known in choir because my sister was a good singer.

Everything i do, my sister has already done it. There's nothing I can do to live outside her shadow. My choir director and so many others are pushing me to join show choir not because they like how I sing, but because my sister is in it, and losing my sister would be close to the worst thing that happened.

And then my brother left a huge skid mark on the school, and my family's reputation, and it's been killing me. My brother was never good at basic hygiene, he barely showered, his fashion sense was shit, and everywhere he walked, you could tell he'd been there by the stench he left. 

Everyday I was asked "does your brother have some kind of sickness? A disease?" and I would have to answer no everytime. Now i'm a freshman and i've rubbed my skin raw with my loofa in the shower from showering every night because if i don't shower, i'm going to smell bad and i'll be just as bad as my brother.

My sister is an all A's student, in honor classes since she was a freshman, and so now when teachers figure out we're related, it's always "Oh she was such a good student!" or "I remember her! She always caught onto things easy!" My brother was the opposite, failing every class, graduated with a 2.6 GPA. there's not in between for me. It's either im the best in my class, or i'm a failure just like my brother.

The point i'm trying to make it that i'm my own person, and i'm tired of living in your shadow. I'm tired of constantly being compared to you. I want to be my own person, not just your little sibling. I know this will sound harsh, but you make my life a living hell.