Story of My Life... Literally

Chapter 3

Now you see, I was quite stupid. I made some decisions that I wish I never made. December came around, and that's when things took a turn.. for better or worst, I'm still not sure. My best friend Lexi and I, met up this sophomore, Steven. We met up alone and just started talking. All of a sudden, I was being held against his chest and his tongue began darting around in my mouth like a sea serphent being chased by Titan. It was DISGUSTING. All of a sudden I felt a skin like "thing" on my stomach. I reached down, thinking it was his hand. . Boy was I wrong. He had taken his "Manliness" and put it on my stomach, under my bright blue rays shirt. I was shocked. Steve? the boy that I've known since I was a youngster in Kindergarten? The boy whose lived down the street from me all my life? My ex- friends older brother? Ummm eww. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to feel. All I knew was that his big ass piece of "Manliness" was on my stomach and I didn't want it there! Alexis yelled my name and off we went! We ran and ran, down the dark alley, to the stop sign and took a left. The sweat dripping down our faces never felt so good. The wind in our hair never felt so friendly. We couldn't run anymore. We collapsed laughing on the ground, our faces covered in the soft dewey grass.The sky never looked so beautiful. We layed there and we stared. We stared at the deep blue sea of sky above. The little white glimmering spots shining in the sky, made me of think him. Him. You. Him. I wondered if he was looking up too. Looking at those beautiful stars, that reminded me so much of the way things used to be. Those stars didn't remind me of just him. They reminded of how things were before my dad died. How things were before that night. That horrible night that changed my life forever. For one minute... lying on the ground... the grass surounding me... the sky above me... the cold winter air leaving my body... everything felt o.k.

This stupid night, led to many other stupid events in the future.Stupid... Stupid... events. Now, that night, we walked home. I told Jesse what happened, and he completely understood... I think. I was too "out of thought" to really remember how he felt.

February, was the first time. The first time I did it. The first time I cut myself. The feeling that came over me that night... it's too much to put in to words. It was like an epiphany came over me. I realized that I had finally found something that felt right. I pressed the cool razor to my skin. I was scared, frightened actually. I felt o.k. the first time. The cutting made me feel better, for a short while. Afterwards, I actually felt worst. Why did I start cutting? I'm not sure. I have horrid anxiety, I'm always upset, and I feel so alone. I felt the cold, hard, steel slide acoss my skin. Loneliness.... Anxiety.... Hoplessness.... I let it get the best of me. The blood came. I sat there. How could something that was so wrong, feel so right?