where hubris rules...

Confession

"Who is it?" I ask him. "A really nice person, who I have known for a very long time, and have grown quite attached to," he said. My heart was screaming in my chest. Was this it? Will this be when he finally tells me that he likes me? The signs over the past week were all aligning. Yes. This is it. This is when he'll confess. This is when I will finally call my best friend my boyfriend.

It was 2nd grade. I was in the school office; my mother was being called as I had been crying uncontrollably. He came in with a teacher. He had colour all over his uniform. Our principal was his mother. She shook her head and made him sit on the couch. He looked at my tears and laughed. I didn't know that I was being laughed at, so I laughed too. Our principal saw this as an opportunity to keep me in school. She sent me back to class with him. Soon enough, I had colour all over me too. I started to like school.

It was 7th grade. It was Melanie's birthday. He told me I looked nice. Melanie told me that he likes me. I brushed it off as middle-school shenanigans.

But I was awake all night with his voice in my head.

9th grade. It was in the library. "And if Cassia likes me, I'll get you the chocolate mocha." he betted.

The next day, he came to me and handed me a chocolate mocha.

I saw him walk away with Cassia holding his hand. It was the first time when I wanted to be someone else.

It was 12th grade; the first time when I truly wanted him to be mine. But I liked him. A little too much perhaps. He needed a friend from me; not a girlfriend. I told myself every time I breathed.

We got into university soon after that. We were separated. Maybe it was for the best. I needed some space for myself.

That was until the holidays. We returned to our homes. And he texted me to meet me at Park Central. So I was there. He was there too. Waiting for something. The right moment to say it, perhaps. Maybe the distance made him realise that he wanted me to be more than just his best friend. Something better.

I was screaming inside. Maybe because I had seen him after a long time. Maybe because this was it. Maybe because-

I saw her.

Her.

"Oh my god Alicia, where were you?!" He ran up to her and picked her up and swung her around. "Ah was getting your special, special friend a fitting gift," she said, walking towards me, and handed me a small paper bag, "I have heard so much about you, I could make a biopic. Hi!"

I was numb.

I accepted it with a smile and said that she didn't have to. He introduced us. Alicia Korrs, he called her, "also known as, my girlfriend."

Something broke when I got home.

It was the 'fitting gift' she got me. It was glass bookends. She knew I read books. He told her.

Of course, he told her. I was the 'best friend".

We'd meet up. Me, Alicia and him and a few others. Alicia was so...nice. I could never see anything wrong with her. She was perfect for him. A perfect girl, for a perfect man. 'But then what about you?' my heart would ache. What about me? The best friend? The supporter? The...little old me?

Alicia texted me one day, to meet her at this cafe I can't quite remember the name of.

She was already there when I reached. "I won't beat about the bush," she said when our coffees arrived. "You clearly like him, and I don't like it."

I looked at her.

"If it's that obvious, why didn't he get it?" I asked. "He can be quite dense, at times."