Flat Earth Lunatic

By Tim Ozman

Infinite Plane Press 2022, All Rights Reserved

FRIDAY 3:13 pm

It was an early fall morning and his eleventh-grade Science Class was in session. Mr.Kervert watched the students filter in and a sense of futility briefly overtook him. He excelled in teaching science, but his job was made ever more difficult against the streaming waves of ignorance and distraction competing for every spare second of the students' time.

"Who can tell me the name of the first man to walk on the moon?"

Silence.

"Class, pay attention. Especially you, Eric. Who was the first man on the moon?"

The students were busily Googling, gaming, and building their social media networks.

"Moon landings were hoaxed," Eric blurted, briefly looking up from his InstaTubeTok feed. "Come on, Mr. Kervert. The moon rocks were petrified wood. I heard it on NPR." Several other students laughed.

Eric's parents and Mr. Kervert had a less than productive parent-teacher conference regarding science papers written with a flat earth theorists perspective. The student was troubled before but the science denial emboldened his belligerence and resentment of authority.

"I hate the Internet," Herbert said, shaking his head.

"Eric, the moon rocks could not have been made of wood unless there were trees on the moon, impossible, or the moon itself is a chunk of wood, even less possible. It's 2023 and the world is in grave danger from Climate change, pandemics, and space junk, and you joke about the moon landings, mankind's greatest achievement."

Eric stood up, his orange bowl cut and scarlet MAGA cap contrasted sharply with the black trench coat. "Mr. Kervert, I don't know what makes you think you know better than NPR. Those moon rocks were made of petrified wood. That's a problem for the science teachers, not the students."

The other students were finally paying attention. "Mr. Kervert," Pat, a green-haired quasi-goth, was raising her fist. "Call on me."

He nodded in her direction and she stood up asking, "if the moon rocks are petrified wood as reported on NPR does that mean the earth is flat? What else could NASA be hiding?"

"Oh come on, morons!" Bob, a stereotypical High School bully, raised his voice," anyone saying the moon is flat or the earth is fake needs to fail this class."

"You fail at life Blob," Eric said, further goading with "the earth is flat."

"Fight!" shouted Pat.

"Shut up Pat," Bob said, staring into the eyes of his trenchcoated adversary. "We are having a debate, aren't we?"

Herbert put on a pair of blue medical gloves. Those two got into these staring contests predictably. He seemed unconcerned with the unfolding drama. He hauled a duffle bag up onto his desk.

"Mr. Kervert," a student called out, "I think they're actually going to fight this time. Shouldn't you say something?"

Herbert unzipped the duffle bag.

Bob swung a fat fleshy fist into Eric's bone-thin face sending his orange down-combed hair flying as his head swiveled right, then back to center.

"Fight! Fight!" The chants broke out around the melee, as another student, Marcus, the one who spoke up ran out the door.