heaven is you - rj oneshots

i feel like i'm drowning.

    I sat there frozen for at least a couple minutes. The tears were mindlessly flowing from my eyes, and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. I felt like I was drowning. I felt trapped in my own family.

    I will never forget my dad coming up after those few minutes. He saw me at the top of the stairs, and I saw his face crumble fast. His 'tough' exterior faded away when he saw the state that I was in. He just collapsed next to me, and pulled me into a hug. I continued to stare at the front door, tears falling down my face, still kind of hoping she would change her mind and walk back in the door. she didn't.

    He kept repeating, "I'm so sorry. This is not your fault."

    I knew he was lying based off of my own mother saying she resented me, and pretty much acted like all of her personal bad choices were my fault. I knew damn well that I was the one who had finally torn my own parents apart.

+ end of flashback +

    I blinked. It was a brutal snap back to reality. Hanging from the ceiling, I was in the East High gym in the middle of a song. The basketball slipped out of my hand, hitting the floor, bouncing into the right wing. I swallowed the anxious lump forming in my throat, and shook my head lightly. At first I had been happy to see her.

    "I-I gotta shake this. Yikes!" I said, and was getting closer to the ground.

I felt so disoriented when my feet hit back on the ground, and I got handed the basketball I needed. I didn't know what to do, my breath was picking up, and my mind felt terribly foggy.

"Getcha, getcha, head in the game-,"

I tried my best to continue the song. It wasn't working. My voice was shaking, as well as my body. My breathing was hindered, and I felt dizzy, almost trapped even. Towards the end, I had quite literally kicked a ball into the crowd because I stepped wrong. I couldn't do it anymore, I had to get out of that gymnasium. While the band still played, I walked off the stage right before the ending measures. I felt all of the eyes watching me as I left, cheeks heating up. I was suffocating, and again, I felt like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean. My chest was tight, and I was struggling to breathe. With this, there was a pain in my heart and chest that wouldn't go away.

    "Where is he going?" Miss Jenn asked, clearly on edge.

    "I don't know..." Carlos trailed off as I bumped into him walking out. "Ricky, where are you going?"

     Gina, Natalie, EJ, and even Nini all watched me leave the makeshift stage that had been set up. As I walked through the halls, I felt like I was going to fall over every single step I took, because I was so imbalanced. My vision was blurry with hot, spiteful tears that were threatening to spill. I walked straight past the crew, almost completely ignoring my best friend, Big Red. I could hear his voice faintly, but I didn't care. I bursted out into the main hallway, still in my jersey and shorts. This was where everything had been set up for the night with admissions.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I brushed my back up against the wall, collapsing onto the floor. As I was in my position on the floor, I felt paralysed by the emotions and thoughts running through my head. I felt alone, and lost. I had no idea why seeing my mom and her boyfriend made me like this. I haven't even seen my mother in two years. At this point, I hardly even wanted to say that she was my mother. My dad has truly only been my actual parent. I knew that my mom leaving had taken a toll on him as well, and I hated that he has to see me have these damn anxiety attacks.