Dream // Van McCann

3. I'm Sorry

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My eyes fluttered open and I sat up, taking my mask and probes off. I didn't intend for her to find out this way and I was upset at myself for not telling her much sooner. Now she's hurt that I didn't tell her.

"Florence, I can explain—" I stood up and had to take a seat once again because I felt dizzy. "I swear I was going to tell you tonight. I only found out last night when you caught me reading the letter before bed."

I was very aware that I was making a scene but I tried to pay no attention to their nervous glances. Florence didn't reply. Instead, she just untangled herself from everything and scooted towards the edge of her seat getting ready to stand.

"Be careful," I warned her. "I felt dizzy when I stood up earlier."

We ended the dream earlier than expected so the anesthesia was still in our system but it only takes a minute or two for our body to adjust. Florence ignored me and tried to stand which made me get up, cross over, and hold her.

"I'm fine," she mumbled. She was not. She was holding onto me for support. "I just expected better from you, y'know? You can tell me these things. Even if you need time to process it, just tell me and I'll understand. But this? I feel blindsided finding out through a dream."

And then she did something that surprised me. She hugged my torso and rested her head on my chest and I knew just from that that everything was okay. She was upset but I wouldn't get the silent treatment like I did from Clara.

"I know, I know and I'm sorry. It's something I've always struggled with but I'm working on it." I kissed the top of her head. "I'll let you read the letter tonight."

"What made you think that was them?" she asked, her voice muffled by my shirt.

"She kicked the ball towards me and I gave it back to her. I could see Clara in her and when I asked if she was Mia, her eyes widened in shock."

"This is your first time seeing Mia, isn't it? How old would she be today and how old do you think she was in the dream?"

She was asking good questions and I took a moment to think. The letter was dated 1 October 2015 which would make her 7 years old. I'm shite at guessing how old people are let alone children. She wasn't wearing a school uniform but just because she wasn't doesn't mean she's not in school.

"Yes, it's my first time seeing her," I answered. "She'd be 7 today and I'm shite at guessing people's ages but I reckon she was probably 5 or so in the dream."

I walked over to the computer to save the data and Florence helped me put away the probes. Once we were all set, she lingered by my side.

"Are you coming home late today?" she asked.

"I don't think so. I want to get started on this report but don't think it'd take long."

There was about 45 minutes left of the workday and most reports take me half an hour or less to write. Not wanting to bother me any further, Florence took the hint and left, but not before planting a kiss on my cheek. I was suddenly aware that Bondy and Larry probably saw so I blushed, trying to carry on like that didn't happen. I'm an affectionate person but don't like the thought of someone watching.

"It's nice seeing you in love," Bondy said, smiling. My cheeks turned another shade of red darker and I tried to distract myself by opening a new template. I managed to type in today's date before stopping.

"Thank you? I think?" I replied. "Thought I just about fucked it up. I've not had the chance to tell her Clara's still alive. She just found out through my dream." I used my hand to push my hair back and left it there momentarily to scratch my head. When I let go, my hair fell back into place.

"She took that really well. I was worried we'd be caught in an uncomfortable situation," Bondy went on.

"I thought I upset her. I mean I did but I thought she'd be more upset. I'm just glad she's big on communication and is more forgiving."

I've always been less forthcoming with things I've been dealing with but Florence has told me time and time again that I can talk to her about anything. She's very good at letting me know she's there for support while not being suffocating. It only made me feel more guilty for not telling her. How many times can I do this before she's had enough?

The rest of the day went by quickly but I managed to finish the report before 5 PM. I saved the file and began shutting down my laptop. Bondy and Larry had already started packing and were making their way towards the door telling me to lock up. They waved goodbye and then it was just me placing my laptop in my bag and wrapping the charger around my hand. Once everything was tucked away, I hoisted my bag onto my shoulder and locked the door behind me.

I was supposed to catch the bus home but decided to quickly run to the store to buy some flowers. It was unlike me to do this; I've always thought I wasn't romantic at all but I couldn't think of a better apology than flowers. That and chocolates. You can never go wrong with chocolates, can you? God, it didn't help that I'd just missed Valentine's Day. There was an aisle full of chocolates and sweets on clearance.

Valentine's Day was towards the end of our holiday and we weren't even together at the time. I'm not the type to give into the commercialization of Valentine's Day but I felt guilty for asking her to be my girlfriend after Valentine's Day had passed.

I grabbed a bouquet of bright flowers and a box of chocolates without any indication of Valentine's Day and brought it over to the cashier. The cashier scanned my items without a word and I knew he was silently judging me. I tapped my credit card onto the reader to pay for the items and thanked him.

Luckily during rush hour, the bus comes more often so I didn't have to wait long at the bus stop. I placed my bag on the seat beside me and held the flowers thinking of what I'd say to Florence. None of it sounded sincere and I sighed in frustration, upset at myself for not telling her last night.

I got off the bus and made my way towards the building. It was just me in the lift and I walked towards our flat. I stuck the key in, turned it, and pushed the door open. Florence was in the kitchen and I couldn't figure out what she was cooking based on the smell. I took the flowers out and walked up to the kitchen counter. Florence's back was to me. She had music on and didn't hear me so I coughed. She jumped and turned around.

"I didn't even hear you!" she cried out. She turned down the music and saw the bouquet in my hands. "What's that for?"

"I'm so sorry you found out that way. It was never my intention to hurt you like that and I promise to be more truthful with things involving Clara from now on. I was going to tell you tonight but wanted to run it by Bondy and Larry first to see what they thought. And I guess it was on my mind the whole day because I dreamt about it. By the way, I think the food's burning."