sinful

chapter six

The following Monday I find myself hesitating when I go to pull the door handle and walk into class. Ezra and I haven't spoken since the party, and I didn't know if we had really made up or not. Regardless of whether or not he was still upset, I had felt like I was on cloud 9 from the minute my hangover wore off. His "liquid truth" spoke directly to my heart's desire and gave me the answers I never thought I would hear.

After mustering up the courage to calm my nerves, I walked into the classroom and immediately noticed one head turn out of all 24 others stuck to phone screens. Ezra smiled at me with a big happy grin, the kind that pushes your cheeks up and makes your eyes squint so much you can barely see. I smile back to him just as big and walk up to our desk.
"Hey Jasp." he says.
God, I have missed hearing him call me that dorky nickname. I've missed everything about Ezra.
Mrs. Harold began to teach her lesson for today, and I watched as the old woman struggled to open a google doc.
Ezra leans over to me and whisper's. "Can you meet me behind the gym at lunch? I need to talk to you."
His low voice speaking so close to my ear sent shivers of electricity down my spine. I gulped and nodded, keeping my eyes on the teacher so we wouldn't get scolded for talking in class again.

In science I explain to Valerie why I can't hang out with her at lunch today. By the time lunch rolls around, my anxiety grows. What does Ezra need to talk about in such a private space? After they put cameras there and the smokers couldn't pass around a joint back there anymore, the space behind the Gym was essentially deserted. I walk up to see him leaning against the red bricks that make up the outer wall of the gym.
"Hey, what's up?" I say, my voice cracking halfway through saying hey.
Ezra laughs it off "hey, we need to talk" he says, the sentence feels ominous.
I nod, trying to prepare myself for whatever he may say.

"Jasper.. I have these feelings. Feelings that I've always had but never understood. Since I was young I've been surrounded by picture perfect families. A husband. A wife. All these strict rules and boundaries, all of these things that you live outside of. I didn't even know It was possible to live outside of those roles until… you."

I'm at a loss for words. I simply stand in silence and take the information in, not knowing what the right response would be.

"Even when I heard stories of those outside the box I was told about deranged people who are bound to sin. Jasper, you aren't like those people I was told about.   You are kind, you are sweet, intelligent, beautiful.. and I can't let myself drag someone amazing as you into sin. I won't allow it!" His eyes welled with tears and his voice began to tremble.
I sigh and pull him into a hug, holding his limp torso firmly in my embrace as he cries on my shoulder.
I pull away and hold his shoulders out straight in front of me.
"Listen to me. What they told you is wrong. There is nothing sinful or wrong about how we feel. Does this feel wrong? Not to your family, does it feel wrong to you? Because for me, this is the one thing in my life that has felt one hundred percent right." I said.
His eyes were red with tears, I brought my right hand up from his shoulder and cupped his cheek. My thumb wiped the tears out from below his eyes. He tilts his head into my hand.

He leaned into me and hugged me tight, weeping into my chest. I wondered how long he held this in for. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his forehead.
He calmed himself down and quietly said into my chest.
" Jasper, I think I'm falling in love with you and I am terrified of what that will mean."

"I know honey. I know." I whisper into the top of his head.

Once he had got himself back together, we sat down on the cold pavement next to each other, our backs against the red brick building.
I sigh, my hot breath puffing out in a cloud in front of me. "Forgive me if I'm too bold for saying this but clearly I like you and you like me. Aside from the obvious, what's keeping us from being more than friends? We can keep it on the down low. It can be our secret."
He turns his head to me and his eyes light up. "You have no clue how long I've wanted to ask you the same thing. I just never had the balls to do it." He says with a grin. I reach over and take his hand in mine. Ezra's palms are warm compared to my cold hands. He pulls our interlocked hands up to his lips, and kisses each knuckle of my hand. I feel myself blush, but this time I make no attempts to hide it. This time I feel no shame.

The next morning I walk into class, a pep in my step, and a big stupid grin plastered onto my face because I am going to see my boyfriend. Just saying it, even if I can only say it in my head, is enough to make me feel like I'm floating. Ezra is like a drug except every high feels better than the first. I plop down into my seat beside him and turn my smiling face to his. "Goodmorning." I say.
He smiles back at me. "Well aren't you in a good mood?" He says through his pearly white teeth. I nod and take a moment to look into his eyes. The variety of brown shades are enough for me to get lost in, although I very well could never be lost because I wouldn't ever look for a way out of them. Ezra giggles a little bit "what? Is there something on my face?" He teases me. We spend the rest of the art class working on our individual projects beside each other. Ezra rests his arm against mine. It may not be the most intimate thing out there, but it was about as close to PDA as we could ever get. We quietly talked throughout the rest of class, nothing of great substance other than one main thing. " Oh dude my camera broke this morning and now I have to save up for a new one." He says when I ask about his morning.
"Oh? I didn't know you were into photography."

"Big time! Have I really never told you that?!"

"Not that I know of, no."
I make a mental note of this as I do with every piece of information I learn about him. After spending the entirety of first period chit chatting, Ezra walked me all the way to science.

I sit down next to Valerie. She turns to me with a hair tie in her teeth and says "so, I take it that the two of you officially made up at lunch yesterday?" While she pulls her ginger hair into a ponytail.
"Yeah we're back to being friends now.." I say.
"Just friends? I'm sorry. But at least you have him as a friend." She says, rubbing my shoulder to console me. I have never lied to Valerie before. I hate lying to my best friend but Ezra and I can't risk anyone finding out about us. In a small town like ours rumors spread like wildfires.
Class started and I began to listen to our science teacher start his lecture.
After class I stopped Val. "Are you and I eating together for lunch?" I asked.

"Shit. Is Ezra busy? I'm sorry Jasper but the girls wanted to go have lunch with the coach today. It's his birthday."

"Don't worry I get it." I said.
I grinned as I walked away.

Ezra and I met up in the same spot behind the gym that we sat under yesterday. The cold fall air whispered in through the holes in my jeans, making me shiver as I walked up to meet him. "Oh Jasp, you look so cold. come here." he said when he saw me approaching. I sat down beside him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I looked up and smiled, leaning my head down on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head and whispered. "I think this is paradise."
I giggled and buried my face into his chest. He was right. This is paradise.

If being this way was supposed to send us to hell then why does it feel like heaven when I'm with him?